Look out! The poors are coming!

Have you been following the 3 day+ rager on the listserv about supposed plans for George Mason Elementary school?

For those of you that just read this blog for comedic value and can’t be bothered with your idiotic neighbors’ rants, there was a PowerPoint deck that went out from ACPS to parents at the school outlining how they plan to rebuild the aging building. Only, an earlier draft had a mention of the space’s potential for housing, and someone read it and freaked the hell out thinking there was a land grab. The final draft that’s online has no mention of the school being used for housing, but hahahaha who can be bothered to read, and why do facts matter?

In no particular order, the BH listserv worked themselves into a froth about:

  • Racism
  • Class warfare
  • Why people of more modest means would want to live among seven-figure dwellings (Jesus f’ing Christ, people!)
  • Greenspace
  • The difference between affordable housing and low-income housing
  • Parking
  • The Mayor’s developer mafia
  • Traffic
  • Number and types of cars in BH
  • The annual salaries of firefighters
  • What constitutes an ACPS employee versus a contractor
  • Will my home value go down if everyone near me isn’t rich
  • The number of square feet a single mom and 2 kids need
  • Zoning rules (and wouldn’t these people be better in Del Ray?!)

Honest to god though, I had to pick my jaw off the floor, when I read THIS gem from the lovely Jennifer M.:

What’s perplexing to me is how anyone can think that folks living in affordable housing want to live in a neighborhood with $1M+ homes.  You think that’s going to make them feel better about themselves?  Taking the bus while a neighbor is driving a Mercedes is going to perk them up?  Think they are going to feel like they belong to the local community??  Come on – who would want that?

Seriously, JFC. I hope everyone throws their dog poop bags in your city trash can, Jennifer.

Anyway, I’ve been sitting back writing and rewriting a possible blog post for the past several days, and then I see that my fans have spoken (Thanks, Tom E.! I’ll bring by a halal chicken to reward you for the plug!).

Wait, so this was all one big misunderstanding?  Oh boy…can’t wait to see what Tales from the BH Listserv is going to say about this!!!!

It’s time for Bev to chime in.

May I present to you a one-act play I’ve written, entitled “The George Mason Commons”:

———

The sun is rising and people across Beverley Hills are getting ready to go to work.

A brown-skinned person walks out of the old George Mason Elementary school, recently renamed “The George Mason Commons” because affordable housing brought a wave of commoners into the neighborhood.

She waves at the recycling truck crew as they drive by. After all, they all live in the building. “Damn,” she thinks, “this Beverley Hills neighborhood might not be everything I dreamed it would be. They don’t even have curbside glass recycling here. What have I gotten myself into?!”

She tries to put it out of her mind, only to look up and see one of those fancy-pants single-family-home dwellers drive by in a Mercedes. Sigh. Clearly, she is unable to see a nice car and not hate on herself.

“I’ll show those snobs,” she thinks, walking past the bus stop of lowlife scum waiting for transport to the Pentagon, DC law firms, and other low-class jobs.

Finding a pile of abandoned scooters in a heap across the sidewalk, she heads off, helmetless, toward her job at the newly opened halal butcher shop.

Of course, the fastest option is to zip her scooter down Seminary Road. Ever since the road diet (high five, Mayor Wilson!), she can get to work before the angry picketing crowds show up and ruin her mood. Speaking of mood, she’s having such a fun, fast ride that she waves to all the cars waiting. A few of the drivers see her and honk. “Wait, are those middle fingers?” she wonders. “No, they couldn’t be. Not here. I’m pretty sure those drivers are just telling me I’m #1 based on my eco-friendly commute!”

The scooter breaks down about a block away from work when she jumps it over one of the ridiculously high speedbumps recently installed. “Hmm,” she thinks, “maybe some of Mayor Wilson’s developer cronies put these here.” Angered,  she flings the scooter in the road, because scooter riders do what they want.

Her workday at the butcher is pretty quiet and uneventful, except for all the dogs outside howling because the blood makes them crazy. She ignores the sound, and when she eventually gets bored, her mind wanders. “Man, I’m so lucky to have scored that affordable housing in the middle of Beverley Hills. To think it was all because a sneaky ACPS ‘contractor’ stuck that slide in a PowerPoint deck a few years ago and set it all in motion. Surely, this is the only way a person of color like me could ever gain entrance to such a utopia. I don’t even have a European car.”

With her shift done and unable to find a scooter, she hops on the bus (ew, gross!) and makes her way back to the four-story George Mason Commons building she now calls home.

Walking up to the building, she narrowly avoids stepping in a fresh pile of dog poo that someone neglected to pick up. “What a jerk!” she says. “Dog poo belongs in people’s city-provided trash cans!” At last, the brown-skinned woman climbs the stairs to her apartment. First floor, firefighters. Second floor, trash truck folks. Third floor, sketchy potential child molesters. And finally, fourth floor, the poors.

Home sweet home. As she walks in the door, she can’t help but sing the words to the Weezer song, “Beverly Hills”:
Where I come from isn’t all that great
My automobile is a piece of crap
My fashion sense is a little whack
And my friends are just as screwy as me

Beverly Hills!
That’s where I want to be!
Gimme gimme gimme gimme!
Living in Beverly Hills!

[Aaaaand scene]

PS. How has our opinionated “Donna” not chimed in on this thread after 3 days?? Has anyone checked in on her? Does she have cats? They get so hungry…

🚨Look out for the BevHills self-centeredness police!🚨

Image result for grandpa simpson old man yells at cloudWith the Seminary Road Diet Conspiracy of 2019 in the rearview mirror (groan), it was clearly essential to keep road safety on the radar (lol).

Taking a break from vocally complaining about scooters with Grandpa Simpson rants about “where are the parents?!”, listserv regular “Donna” is at it again.  In a thread about the dangers of parents double parking outside schools for pickups/dropoffs, she chimed in with this gem:

The self-centeredness of people around here is incredible. I sat in my car waiting behind 2 other cars and 3 behind me while a driver backed into a space. Took 2 backups to get in – held up 6 drivers at a medical building…  how selfish for their own convenience.

Sorry, come again? Donna, are you actually complaining that you had to wait for someone to park at a doctor’s office? And that the act of backing into a space is self-centered?

Isn’t there a restaurant that you should be visiting so you can write a pandering Zebra review in exchange for a free meal?!

[Side note, thanks to the fearless BevHills listserv moderator, Mr. W.H., for sharing yesterday’s blog post with the entire group — welcome new subscribers!]

Who’s ready for a scooter rage rant?!

Image result for lime scooters accident  memeI stayed out of the halal butcher hysteria just to keep you all wanting more, but whoooo doggie, the proliferation of scooters has got folks *worked up*.

And by folks, I mean BevHills busybody “Donna”, who uses her spare time when not writing a complaint column in the local newspaper that is literally called “What Bugs Me” to utterly trash her neighbors on an almost daily basis on the listserv.

The subject of her recent ire is the City’s pilot program on electric scooters. To say folks are passionate on either side is an understatement. I’ve ridden them. I’ve also picked up fallen ones and moved them off the sidewalk.

But you know what I haven’t done? Interrogate a kid riding on the sidewalk and write an open letter to his parents to shame them.

Here’s the full rant from Donna:

To the parents of H____ M___ (Bev note: I’m not naming him because, RUDE!):

Did you know he is illegally riding a lime scooter? At the busy intersection of Monticello and Russell Rd.

Obviously under 16 and riding on the sidewalk. NO HELMET too.

Someone used their drivers license and credit card to use the scooter. Do you have a death wish for your son?

There are at least 13 attributable deaths with scooters. At least, those are the ones that have counted. And they were adults with allegedly more sense than a child!

Not a good look accusing parents of having a death wish for their child.

Mad props to the listserv member rewrote Donna’s notable “be kind to animals” email signature:

If you have room in your heart, please don’t publicly shame little kids.  They are children who ask nothing of you and give back so much.  As Ben Franklin said, “mind your own d@mn business.”

By the way, if you haven’t seen the South Park spoof, this is as close as I think you can get to Donna’s blind hatred of scooters 😉

 

A request for hair

Now that the listserv regular “Donna” seems to have gone AWOL (Finally banned? Left to write full-time for the Zebra?!), a certain other zany regular who resides “on E. Spring” has decided to pick the up the gauntlet.

Don’t all go rushing over to her house at once, ya’ll:
I know this is an odd request, but do you have any hair to spare? It can be from a hairbrush, or recent clippings.
The creatures in my garden are eating all my lovely cucumbers and tomatoes and I was told that human hair keeps them away, so I’d like to tie as much hair near the vegetables as possible.
Thank god there isn’t a neighborhood potluck picnic in the hood because I can tell you whose salad I wouldn’t be eating….

Plow survey

SMr. PlownOMyGod! Perhaps you heard we had an epic, one-for-the-recordbooks snowstorm. Of course, I know you are well aware of this because for two days straight, all you listserv folks did was sell and barter snowpants.

Anyway, now that we’re all snowed in and cranky and liquored up, it’s time to start complaining about the speed, process and location of snow removal.

<pops popcorn>

The four stages of snow acceptance, according to the Beverley Hills Listserv:

1. Disbelief and dismay

I have seen several plows but unfortunately none of them have been plowing when I see them, and they are just leaving single-lane roads. I’m surprised more progress has not been made.

When you consider the city taxes we pay – and the increases incurred in years when the housing market was weak — this is really dismal.

2. Conspiracy theories

Listserv regular “Donna” comes out of hibernation:

Hmmm, does someone on the City Council live on Alabama???

3. Gratitude

Let’s all play Pollyanna’s glad game. I’m thankful that:

1. I have power
2. I have heat
3. I have groceries so I can eat
4. I have internet so I can post this message

The snowstorm this past weekend was of historic nature. It’s not a few inches of snow. It takes time to dig out. Give the city workers a break…they’re now dealing with a water main break on King and Quaker.

We all need to be grateful for what we have, rather than what we don’t have.

4. Nope, screw that gratitude crap

First entry in the glad game:

Well I’m glad they are working so hard, and I am sure they are. And earning a living. I am not. I would like to be able to get out to pay for those wonderful things: heat, internet etc. But I can’t.

For the record, *my* street is plowed. Clearly the City wants to stay on my good side.

Someone took all our Halloween Candy

Trick or TreatersApparently my delusional neighbors here in BevHills think that our bucolic avenues here are somehow exempt from the time-honored antics of Halloween.

You know the drill:

We left a very large bag full of Halloween candy on our doorstep with a note saying please take some. We have a newborn baby and so didn’t want people ringing our doorbell. Some kids just came to the door and when we went out, the whole bag had gone. The candy was there to be given away, but we feel disappointed that we had nothing to give those children because someone was selfish enough to take the whole lot.

We got hit too. Next year I am going to add a line to my “please just take a few pieces” note that says “camera surveillance in use”. Maybe that will scare them straight!
GASP! Hooligans and ruffians have invaded, because clearly they could NOT have been raised here and display such horrid manners!

Same for us.  An overflowing bowl, gone while unattended for less than 30 minutes, and before dark.  That tells me the culprits were likely accompanied by parents who were ostensibly raised better than that.  Very disappointing.

My old buddy Donna (who wrote in a post-mortem listserv email about the Gun Shots? post that I was *jealous *of her) was kind enough to chime in and make unsubstantiated claims about the nature of the mischief:

I saw several large groups of pre-teens/teens without adult supervision on Russell Rd. before dark. I got the young ones at my house after dark (with adults). They were very polite!

Thankfully, my neighbor “Henry” made my blog posting easier with this gem:

The several large groups of pre-teens/teens without adult supervision on Russell Rd. came to Circle Hill after that and REPLENISHED my empty bowl.  Some were dressed (?) as gypsies and Rajis and poop bags.

Dog poop trash can

Which reminds me, did any of you see my costume this year?

I think it was rather inspired.

RETRACTION: Tales of BH author

AnonymousPour yourself a *big* glass of wine, friends…

Seems that Lulu and Donna got rather offended at me posting their comments. They blew up the listserv after reading the Gun Shots? post, and began a quest to find out who was writing this blog.

I am truly sorry that a poor neighbor, “Amy”,  bore the brunt of their witch hunt. But h/t to Lulu, who pretty much wrote this blog post for me:

After quite a flurry of activity, it has come to my attention that my source on the “outing” of the Tales of Beverley Hills Listserv incorrectly identified Amy as the authoress of this blog. I guess we need to chalk this up to one giant Facebook misunderstanding. I am very sorry. Please do not send her nasty emails.

To whomever is truly authoring this blog, I guess your next entry has just written itself.

Lulu dug a big hole, because three hours later, she continues with mea culpas, and threats:

1) For anyone who did not see the retraction I posted earlier this evening, I repeat, Amy has nothing to do with the Beverley Hills blog. I blame it on a source with poor reading comprehension. If you feel the need to write hate mail, please direct it at me, not at Amy. I have spoken to her. She is a kind and thoughtful person, and had nothing to do with the blog AT ALL.

2) Can we collectively figure out who is writing said blog? It is so mean-spirited. Surely, someone with advanced technical skills can figure this out?

“I blame it on a source with poor reading comprehension”. Ummkay….

In all seriousness, if you don’t want to show up on this blog for some lighthearted joking about listserv posts that get out of control…well, I’ll let “Gina” explain, who aptly responded with:

Or maybe we could stop writing things that are blog worthy.

Yep.

Update on Oakville Triangle/ Rte 1W Small Area Plan

Mad mapIt’s a twofer this week, friends!

There’s a lot going on in the hood right now. Some folks are legitimately trying to learn more about a somewhat controversial, large land-use project. Some folks are complaining about barking dogs. Some are calling the listserv instead of the police when they hear shots fired. And some are sputtering mad and confused that Comcast has gotten rid of 200 sh*tty channels you weren’t watching anyway.

I seriously cannot make this stuff up.

Anyhoooo, a for those of you who read the listserv more than once a year, you probably have seen a lot of posts from a certain “Donna”. She has taken to having private emails with a city representative about this land use project, and then posts them on the listserv with LOTS of additional dismissive commentary that the rep isn’t privvy to seeing (passive aggressive much?!).

One of the maybe 10 emails Donna has posted so far began like this:

Councilman Wilson has responded to me and I have forwarded his responses to the listserv.  He has sent a copy of the 174 page plan link which I forwarded. On pg. 117 is a picture of the Glebe Rd. intersection. He has placed blame for the current problems on those in office in 1999 who put the original plan in place without consideration for the existing neighborhood.

Ok, pretty harmless stuff, minus the aforementioned end-around snarking on private emails from Mr. Wilson.

But wait! This lil’ gem arrived in my inbox not 5 minutes ago:

Donna, thank you for continuing to publicly air your correspondence with Mr. Wilson. Perhaps you could channel this into another one of your “what bugs me” columns instead of filling up my email inbox with your complaints.

Oooooooo. BURN. Everybody knows that Donna writes for one of those local papers that they fling on your lawn even though you didn’t ask for it, and mostly goes straight into my recycle bin, along with bags of my neighbors’ stinky dog poop (bwahahaha). So, this is a pretty specific jab at ol’ Donna.

But, Donna’s got friends, and they have her back:

— and perhaps you would be willing to identify yourself to the rest of us?
“Nina”, Cameron Mills Rd
Nina I am happy to identify myself. I’m your neighbor on Cameron Mills.
 And I’m getting tired to the volume of crap on the listserv. People berating each other for not calling the police when they hear shots fired. People broadcasting to the entire neighborhood that someone is violating a noise ordinance (and in a passive aggressive manor to boot) — especially when the person making the noise couldn’t possibly be reading the listserv while making said noise. People who think it’s their right to complain about dog poop to the entire neighborhood. People who feel the need to complain to the ENTIRE NEIGHBORHOOD that they didn’t read the Comcast notice and are upset they need to change the channel on their DVR.
For goodness sake, remember that there are SEVERAL THOUSAND subscribers to the listserv. Just because you can send an email to everyone doesn’t mean you should.

Bravo, neighbor! If you know whoever posted this gem, please direct him/her to my humble blog, will ya? They would be a lovely contributor for our growing hilarious commenters.

[Update 1: Mad props to “Jenna”, who took the Comcast dig in stride:]  

Ouch. Ok that hurt. I was simply trying to figure out if I was the ONLY ComCrap customer having issues. Can’t wait for the holiday-lights-big-blow-up-stuff-on-the-lawn after February discussions to come! Sorry.

[Update 2: Donna gets miffed at being called out for her columns:]

And I would find it more pleasant for writers to respect the listserv by spelling/editing their messages. — Donna

Noise ordinances

ShhhhhhhRuh roh! “Donna” woke up on the grumpy side of the bed today!

Do you need a little splash of passive aggressive in your coffee?!

Just a reminder – do not use power tools or any other noisy items until after 9 AM on Saturdays and Sundays. It’s the law. I can hear you out there right now but you started at least 1/2 hour ago.