Look out! The poors are coming!

Have you been following the 3 day+ rager on the listserv about supposed plans for George Mason Elementary school?

For those of you that just read this blog for comedic value and can’t be bothered with your idiotic neighbors’ rants, there was a PowerPoint deck that went out from ACPS to parents at the school outlining how they plan to rebuild the aging building. Only, an earlier draft had a mention of the space’s potential for housing, and someone read it and freaked the hell out thinking there was a land grab. The final draft that’s online has no mention of the school being used for housing, but hahahaha who can be bothered to read, and why do facts matter?

In no particular order, the BH listserv worked themselves into a froth about:

  • Racism
  • Class warfare
  • Why people of more modest means would want to live among seven-figure dwellings (Jesus f’ing Christ, people!)
  • Greenspace
  • The difference between affordable housing and low-income housing
  • Parking
  • The Mayor’s developer mafia
  • Traffic
  • Number and types of cars in BH
  • The annual salaries of firefighters
  • What constitutes an ACPS employee versus a contractor
  • Will my home value go down if everyone near me isn’t rich
  • The number of square feet a single mom and 2 kids need
  • Zoning rules (and wouldn’t these people be better in Del Ray?!)

Honest to god though, I had to pick my jaw off the floor, when I read THIS gem from the lovely Jennifer M.:

What’s perplexing to me is how anyone can think that folks living in affordable housing want to live in a neighborhood with $1M+ homes.  You think that’s going to make them feel better about themselves?  Taking the bus while a neighbor is driving a Mercedes is going to perk them up?  Think they are going to feel like they belong to the local community??  Come on – who would want that?

Seriously, JFC. I hope everyone throws their dog poop bags in your city trash can, Jennifer.

Anyway, I’ve been sitting back writing and rewriting a possible blog post for the past several days, and then I see that my fans have spoken (Thanks, Tom E.! I’ll bring by a halal chicken to reward you for the plug!).

Wait, so this was all one big misunderstanding?  Oh boy…can’t wait to see what Tales from the BH Listserv is going to say about this!!!!

It’s time for Bev to chime in.

May I present to you a one-act play I’ve written, entitled “The George Mason Commons”:

———

The sun is rising and people across Beverley Hills are getting ready to go to work.

A brown-skinned person walks out of the old George Mason Elementary school, recently renamed “The George Mason Commons” because affordable housing brought a wave of commoners into the neighborhood.

She waves at the recycling truck crew as they drive by. After all, they all live in the building. “Damn,” she thinks, “this Beverley Hills neighborhood might not be everything I dreamed it would be. They don’t even have curbside glass recycling here. What have I gotten myself into?!”

She tries to put it out of her mind, only to look up and see one of those fancy-pants single-family-home dwellers drive by in a Mercedes. Sigh. Clearly, she is unable to see a nice car and not hate on herself.

“I’ll show those snobs,” she thinks, walking past the bus stop of lowlife scum waiting for transport to the Pentagon, DC law firms, and other low-class jobs.

Finding a pile of abandoned scooters in a heap across the sidewalk, she heads off, helmetless, toward her job at the newly opened halal butcher shop.

Of course, the fastest option is to zip her scooter down Seminary Road. Ever since the road diet (high five, Mayor Wilson!), she can get to work before the angry picketing crowds show up and ruin her mood. Speaking of mood, she’s having such a fun, fast ride that she waves to all the cars waiting. A few of the drivers see her and honk. “Wait, are those middle fingers?” she wonders. “No, they couldn’t be. Not here. I’m pretty sure those drivers are just telling me I’m #1 based on my eco-friendly commute!”

The scooter breaks down about a block away from work when she jumps it over one of the ridiculously high speedbumps recently installed. “Hmm,” she thinks, “maybe some of Mayor Wilson’s developer cronies put these here.” Angered,  she flings the scooter in the road, because scooter riders do what they want.

Her workday at the butcher is pretty quiet and uneventful, except for all the dogs outside howling because the blood makes them crazy. She ignores the sound, and when she eventually gets bored, her mind wanders. “Man, I’m so lucky to have scored that affordable housing in the middle of Beverley Hills. To think it was all because a sneaky ACPS ‘contractor’ stuck that slide in a PowerPoint deck a few years ago and set it all in motion. Surely, this is the only way a person of color like me could ever gain entrance to such a utopia. I don’t even have a European car.”

With her shift done and unable to find a scooter, she hops on the bus (ew, gross!) and makes her way back to the four-story George Mason Commons building she now calls home.

Walking up to the building, she narrowly avoids stepping in a fresh pile of dog poo that someone neglected to pick up. “What a jerk!” she says. “Dog poo belongs in people’s city-provided trash cans!” At last, the brown-skinned woman climbs the stairs to her apartment. First floor, firefighters. Second floor, trash truck folks. Third floor, sketchy potential child molesters. And finally, fourth floor, the poors.

Home sweet home. As she walks in the door, she can’t help but sing the words to the Weezer song, “Beverly Hills”:
Where I come from isn’t all that great
My automobile is a piece of crap
My fashion sense is a little whack
And my friends are just as screwy as me

Beverly Hills!
That’s where I want to be!
Gimme gimme gimme gimme!
Living in Beverly Hills!

[Aaaaand scene]

PS. How has our opinionated “Donna” not chimed in on this thread after 3 days?? Has anyone checked in on her? Does she have cats? They get so hungry…

Personal Gardener

Here’s what happens when you don’t pay your gardener...Ladies of Beverley Hills, can we talk about landscaping? We all know how important it is to keep your bushes trimmed and tidy.

After a month of rain, it’s no surprise that the gardeners are getting a bit randy about the bushes. Before we dive into the listserv posts, here’s a wee limerick I created over some drinks with friends last night to set the stage:

There once was a bush from Nantucket

Whose leaves were so long you should cut it

I said with a grin

As I gave it a trim,

“If the owner complains she can shove it”

<rimshot>

Oh, wait…

Anyhoo, we all know menfolk like trimmed bushes. Some like it long, or short, or sculpted. You want the sidewalk to be like a landing strip so you can keep your eyes on the prize.

But you don’t want others to trim it for you. Not all of them are good with the clippers. Too short and it might be prickly. Too long, it gets in the way.

Dear Personal Gardener:

I just came out of my home (yes, I own it) to find that you took it upon yourself to cut (yes, you brought your own pruners) my bushes and then left the cut branches on the sidewalk. I noticed that you also cut my neighbor’s ( two houses down) bushes also and left your cuttings.

First, you are not allowed to step on my property and cut my bushes. You cut over onto my property. This is called vandalism and trespassing.

If you wanted me to trim my bushes, please have the courtesy and balls to knock on my front door and politely ask me. I would have been more then accommodating.

Please feel free to provide me with your address so I can return the favor and come to your house. I can butcher your landscaping and be as rude.

After several neighbors noted that it’s actually the owner’s responsibility to keep their bush trimmed back to the bikini line of the sidewalk, the original poster (let’s just call her “Ms. Hoo Ha”, shall we?!) replied:

No one has the right to vandalize, trespass on, or litter on other people’s property. There is no excuse.

We teach children common courtesy, not to litter and not to touch what does not belong to them. I’d hope in our affluent area, the adults would act just as responsibly. And yes, if something is bothering you regarding your neighbor’s property, politely knock on their door and tell them. Your neighbor can’t fix what they don’t know about.

Who is so self-centered they think they can go along poking their noses in other people’s bushes?!

I hear ya – what’s happening in this neighborhood??? Just last week, we had someone stop by our house and take all our lingerie down from the clothes line – and they call this an “affluent neighborhood?!?” Next thing ya know our pink flamingos will be gone.

Ms. Hoo Ha was so angered that she sputtered:

If any theft or damage is done to my home, I will be sure to direct the police to your home. So nice to know one’s stalker.

Clearly Ms. Hoo Ha was becoming untrimmed unhinged at this point. She is ready to snatch snap!

Seriously? Is this post a joke? someone trimmed your bushes for free and did a public service to the neighborhood by opening up the sidewalks (which by the way are city property) and you are writing a bunch of angry-ass emails to the whole neighborhood, talking about “your property, ” “affluent neighborhoods” and “had the balls” —

Friends of our county, where I come from, if someone trims your bush for free, you say thank you. We are all mature adults and all have come across unkempt bushes in our time. The polite way to handle them is to ignore them and later suggest lawn service. Or offer to provide it ourselves. It’s one thing to let your yard go, but please, trim your bushes.

“Haji”

[Editor’s note: high five to the cunning linguist neighbors who posted these gems!!!]

There’s no shame in having a thick bush. But you gotta think about others.

We get notices all the time Bc of vines #personalgardener please come trim our vines. We’ll hydrate you with Bloody Mary’s, beer etc.

Having clipper toting vigilantes determining for themselves what is and isn’t interference is “shear” anarchy 😉

Really, you just never know when somebody is coming along to snatch your bush.

Sorry Edward Scissorhands, not sure “where (you) come from” is, but here, it’s not a great idea to take it upon yourself to become a self appointed “gardener of the people”. Like Roy Munson said to Ismail Boorg (before punching him) “You don’t now another guys lawn”.

Let’s make landscaping great again!

And in case you were wondering, the traditional way to trim your bush in an “affluent neighborhood” is in a V shape.

Moral of the story: Don’t be a pussy. Trim your bush’s naughty bits.

 

PS. If you have made it this far and you still need more laughs, you owe yourself a read of this Reddit thread about this’s post image of the penis-shaped bush created by an unpaid landscaper in the UK…