RETRACTION: Tales of BH author

AnonymousPour yourself a *big* glass of wine, friends…

Seems that Lulu and Donna got rather offended at me posting their comments. They blew up the listserv after reading the Gun Shots? post, and began a quest to find out who was writing this blog.

I am truly sorry that a poor neighbor, “Amy”,  bore the brunt of their witch hunt. But h/t to Lulu, who pretty much wrote this blog post for me:

After quite a flurry of activity, it has come to my attention that my source on the “outing” of the Tales of Beverley Hills Listserv incorrectly identified Amy as the authoress of this blog. I guess we need to chalk this up to one giant Facebook misunderstanding. I am very sorry. Please do not send her nasty emails.

To whomever is truly authoring this blog, I guess your next entry has just written itself.

Lulu dug a big hole, because three hours later, she continues with mea culpas, and threats:

1) For anyone who did not see the retraction I posted earlier this evening, I repeat, Amy has nothing to do with the Beverley Hills blog. I blame it on a source with poor reading comprehension. If you feel the need to write hate mail, please direct it at me, not at Amy. I have spoken to her. She is a kind and thoughtful person, and had nothing to do with the blog AT ALL.

2) Can we collectively figure out who is writing said blog? It is so mean-spirited. Surely, someone with advanced technical skills can figure this out?

“I blame it on a source with poor reading comprehension”. Ummkay….

In all seriousness, if you don’t want to show up on this blog for some lighthearted joking about listserv posts that get out of control…well, I’ll let “Gina” explain, who aptly responded with:

Or maybe we could stop writing things that are blog worthy.

Yep.

Update on Oakville Triangle/ Rte 1W Small Area Plan

Mad mapIt’s a twofer this week, friends!

There’s a lot going on in the hood right now. Some folks are legitimately trying to learn more about a somewhat controversial, large land-use project. Some folks are complaining about barking dogs. Some are calling the listserv instead of the police when they hear shots fired. And some are sputtering mad and confused that Comcast has gotten rid of 200 sh*tty channels you weren’t watching anyway.

I seriously cannot make this stuff up.

Anyhoooo, a for those of you who read the listserv more than once a year, you probably have seen a lot of posts from a certain “Donna”. She has taken to having private emails with a city representative about this land use project, and then posts them on the listserv with LOTS of additional dismissive commentary that the rep isn’t privvy to seeing (passive aggressive much?!).

One of the maybe 10 emails Donna has posted so far began like this:

Councilman Wilson has responded to me and I have forwarded his responses to the listserv.  He has sent a copy of the 174 page plan link which I forwarded. On pg. 117 is a picture of the Glebe Rd. intersection. He has placed blame for the current problems on those in office in 1999 who put the original plan in place without consideration for the existing neighborhood.

Ok, pretty harmless stuff, minus the aforementioned end-around snarking on private emails from Mr. Wilson.

But wait! This lil’ gem arrived in my inbox not 5 minutes ago:

Donna, thank you for continuing to publicly air your correspondence with Mr. Wilson. Perhaps you could channel this into another one of your “what bugs me” columns instead of filling up my email inbox with your complaints.

Oooooooo. BURN. Everybody knows that Donna writes for one of those local papers that they fling on your lawn even though you didn’t ask for it, and mostly goes straight into my recycle bin, along with bags of my neighbors’ stinky dog poop (bwahahaha). So, this is a pretty specific jab at ol’ Donna.

But, Donna’s got friends, and they have her back:

— and perhaps you would be willing to identify yourself to the rest of us?
“Nina”, Cameron Mills Rd
Nina I am happy to identify myself. I’m your neighbor on Cameron Mills.
 And I’m getting tired to the volume of crap on the listserv. People berating each other for not calling the police when they hear shots fired. People broadcasting to the entire neighborhood that someone is violating a noise ordinance (and in a passive aggressive manor to boot) — especially when the person making the noise couldn’t possibly be reading the listserv while making said noise. People who think it’s their right to complain about dog poop to the entire neighborhood. People who feel the need to complain to the ENTIRE NEIGHBORHOOD that they didn’t read the Comcast notice and are upset they need to change the channel on their DVR.
For goodness sake, remember that there are SEVERAL THOUSAND subscribers to the listserv. Just because you can send an email to everyone doesn’t mean you should.

Bravo, neighbor! If you know whoever posted this gem, please direct him/her to my humble blog, will ya? They would be a lovely contributor for our growing hilarious commenters.

[Update 1: Mad props to “Jenna”, who took the Comcast dig in stride:]  

Ouch. Ok that hurt. I was simply trying to figure out if I was the ONLY ComCrap customer having issues. Can’t wait for the holiday-lights-big-blow-up-stuff-on-the-lawn after February discussions to come! Sorry.

[Update 2: Donna gets miffed at being called out for her columns:]

And I would find it more pleasant for writers to respect the listserv by spelling/editing their messages. — Donna

Gun shots?

Yosemite Sam
Pew pew!

Nothing gets the listserv fired up (see what I did there?!) as much as potential mortal peril in our bucolic hood.

So naturally, there was concern late last night about potential shots fired. And naturally, the comments went from zero to 60 in an instant.

Did anybody just hear what sounded like two gunshots?
Lulu on Beverley

Good thinking posting that, Lulu. That’s what you want to do when you feel unsafe…LISTSERV TO THE RESCUE!

Yes here in franklin court too. Has someone called the police? If not I will.
Lara

At this point, I am imagining these two women cowering in their living rooms, furiously typing out messages to the listserv and waiting for one of the “regulars” to swoop in and save them.

Seriously?? Neither of you had called the police???????

BOOM. Commence throw down. Lulu defends her original email:

Settle down. Police were already responding by the time I hit send on my original post. Still not sure what happened. We couldn’t decipher the conversation happening on our police scanner app.

I’m sorry…WHA?! So you are not calling the police, but writing the listserv and listening to a police scanner (there’s an app for that?!).

Like clockwork, the snarky peacekeepers rear their heads.

Seriously – simmer down. What good does this berating do? Keep it to yourself.

Followed shortly by:

Yes we called the police, you lunatic.

Ah, civil discourse at its finest. The kicker is I still don’t know if actual shots were fired or not.

Noise ordinances

ShhhhhhhRuh roh! “Donna” woke up on the grumpy side of the bed today!

Do you need a little splash of passive aggressive in your coffee?!

Just a reminder – do not use power tools or any other noisy items until after 9 AM on Saturdays and Sundays. It’s the law. I can hear you out there right now but you started at least 1/2 hour ago.

BevHills classic from the archives: Baby Chick/Duck for Easter?

So, uh, greetings my many new blog followers! I am glad that I am not alone in laughing my a$$ off at some of the more egregious listerv antics. So you know, my mission is to share the more hilarious posts (which can, by the way, be publicly accessed by anyone who is subscribed to the group), and NOT to be mean-spirited or rude toward anyone posting.

With that out of the way…

While we wait for the listserv to lose their mind about something else, it was suggested that we highlight some of the classics that inspired the creation of this blog.

Foghorn LeghornI sat down and made a list, off the top of my head, of at least seven crazy pants things that have happened over the last 12 months or so. The first thing that jumped to mind was the now-infamous “baby chick” post, right before Easter this year:

Does anyone know where I might get baby a baby chick or duck for Easter?? Ideally I am looking for an outfit/farm where I can purchase the egg and then return the baby a week or two after it’s hatched (granted it survives my child) where it will live a long good life. Because I have no room for a chicken or duck in the yard…. But I would love to share the learning experience with child.

Any leads would be great!
Thanks!
“Mia”
Parkway Terrace
I practically did a cartwheel when I saw this hit my inbox. This was a slam dunk to get the community sputtering mad. We do love our animals (and their poop) here in Beverley Hills, and so the neighborhood immediately lost their collective minds fast and furious on poor, misguided “Mia”.
Some of my favorite rants and snarks are copied here for your amusement (gotta love the search feature on the Yahoo listserv page!).
Kind of confused here.  Are you hoping someone will let you swipe an egg from its nest and the nesting mother and take it home in the hope that it will hatch? And then hope the little chick or duckling will survive without its mother?  Or are you trying to take a newborn chick or duckling away from its mother and hope it survives in your house without its mother for a week or so?
The pile-on continues unabated:
The little chick will probably not survive, so you will also be giving the child a lesson in cruelty and death.
I was very distressed to read “Mia’s” request for chicks. Causing animals injury and death in the name of celebrating a time intended to remind us of peace and compassion is very very sad.
And then, the thread takes a left turn when a resident gets all Dr. Science on everyone:
There is no reason that a fertilized egg needs a “mother” chicken at all.  The egg just needs to be incubated for 21 days and then the chicks need food and water after hatch.  As long as they are in a group of at least 2 to 3 chicks, they do just fine.  Many farms use this method so that their laying hens are not out of production for 3 week stints.
And then, finally, a voice of reason…
I have a bunny if you want to borrow it 😉
Easter bunnies
What are your favorite epic listserv blowout, knock down, drag outs?! Share in the comments and we’ll keep them in mind for the next Tales from the Beverley Hills Archives post!

Possum Stuck in Window Well

Awesome possumJust when you couldn’t deal with any more animal issues on the listserv, “Lulu” from Halcyon Drive has reported that her neighbor has a possum stuck in her deep window well.

Can anyone offer suggestions on who she should call to help free him?

“Gary” had this helpful response:

Just have her put something in the well that the possum can use as a ladder. It will figure it out.

I suppose it was a slightly better response than the woman who said she thought someone was giving away a free possum…

Dog Poop in my Recycling Bin

NO dog poop!Like the great eye of Sauron, the BevHills listserv focused with laser intensity on dog poop once again.

When the words “dog poop” show up in my inbox, you can pretty much pop the popcorn and sit back to enjoy instant hilarity. Today did NOT disappoint.

No other topic brings out the absolute utter insanity of the neighborhood quite like excrement.

At issue (once again) is the disposal of poop bags in other people’s big green curbside trash cans. One person gently reminded the group of that these cans actually belong to the City of Alexandria, so they are actually not personal property. The response?!

This sounds to me like an open invitation for everyone to put their dog poop in Tina’s* garbage can on Dogwood Drive? What’s your house number so we can dispose of our dog’s poop and then you can clean the can out when the waste turns to maggots?

(*All names changed to protect the crazies.)

From there, not surprisingly, the thread exploded.

Neighbor 1: Yesterday a lady with a very large dog on a very long lead decided that my front garden was her dogs new marking ground and let him roam for about 3 minutes doing his business here and there. I watched her from upstairs. Next time I’ll be squirting her (not the dog who is not at fault) with a water gun.

And then, perhaps, some voice of reason:

Neighbor 2: Dear God you people are freaking nuts. How old are you, 10? You seriously have nothing better to do than sit in your window monitoring your yard for dog walkers? You’re actually going to pull out a hose and squirt someone? That says an awful lot about you as a person.

Followed by an inspired current event joke:

Neighbor 3 [responding to person who rallied everyone to put poop in Tina’s can]: Thank you for becoming the Donald Trump of the listserv.

Zing!

But WAIT! Tina decides to double-down!

XXXX Dogwood Drive. I am happy to continue to be a good neighbor and let you use the can loaned to me by the city for your doggies do-do.

And then, like a unicorn pooping glitter rainbows (pun intended), the thread morphs into another cherished listserv topic on animal care and eco-friendliness when the owner of a pet shop in Del Ray chimes in…

Feeding a dog and/or cat raw frozen or freeze dried meals actually reduces the smell of feces considerably! One of the benefits of Raw Feeding your dog is the less mess that they leave behind. Because they are able to glean most of the nutrition from the food that they eat (Raw meals & meaty bones), the waste is considerably less. What they do leave behind crumbles away in a couple of days.

Here’s a quick Youtube vid to show you the result of a dog on raw meals! (WARNING, VIDEO CONTAINS DOG POO!) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XoIhJnTeu94

My head is already exploding from the hilarity of the past 3 hours of comments, when “Donna”, a prolific poster chimes in with:

I wish the people who let their cats roam freely would come to my yard and pick up their cat’s feces!!!!  And, talk about smell – cat urine has got to be one of the worst, especially on a hot day!

I’ll swing by and get that poop on my way to Tina’s house. Never change, Beverley Hills. Never change.