Personal Gardener

Here’s what happens when you don’t pay your gardener...Ladies of Beverley Hills, can we talk about landscaping? We all know how important it is to keep your bushes trimmed and tidy.

After a month of rain, it’s no surprise that the gardeners are getting a bit randy about the bushes. Before we dive into the listserv posts, here’s a wee limerick I created over some drinks with friends last night to set the stage:

There once was a bush from Nantucket

Whose leaves were so long you should cut it

I said with a grin

As I gave it a trim,

“If the owner complains she can shove it”

<rimshot>

Oh, wait…

Anyhoo, we all know menfolk like trimmed bushes. Some like it long, or short, or sculpted. You want the sidewalk to be like a landing strip so you can keep your eyes on the prize.

But you don’t want others to trim it for you. Not all of them are good with the clippers. Too short and it might be prickly. Too long, it gets in the way.

Dear Personal Gardener:

I just came out of my home (yes, I own it) to find that you took it upon yourself to cut (yes, you brought your own pruners) my bushes and then left the cut branches on the sidewalk. I noticed that you also cut my neighbor’s ( two houses down) bushes also and left your cuttings.

First, you are not allowed to step on my property and cut my bushes. You cut over onto my property. This is called vandalism and trespassing.

If you wanted me to trim my bushes, please have the courtesy and balls to knock on my front door and politely ask me. I would have been more then accommodating.

Please feel free to provide me with your address so I can return the favor and come to your house. I can butcher your landscaping and be as rude.

After several neighbors noted that it’s actually the owner’s responsibility to keep their bush trimmed back to the bikini line of the sidewalk, the original poster (let’s just call her “Ms. Hoo Ha”, shall we?!) replied:

No one has the right to vandalize, trespass on, or litter on other people’s property. There is no excuse.

We teach children common courtesy, not to litter and not to touch what does not belong to them. I’d hope in our affluent area, the adults would act just as responsibly. And yes, if something is bothering you regarding your neighbor’s property, politely knock on their door and tell them. Your neighbor can’t fix what they don’t know about.

Who is so self-centered they think they can go along poking their noses in other people’s bushes?!

I hear ya – what’s happening in this neighborhood??? Just last week, we had someone stop by our house and take all our lingerie down from the clothes line – and they call this an “affluent neighborhood?!?” Next thing ya know our pink flamingos will be gone.

Ms. Hoo Ha was so angered that she sputtered:

If any theft or damage is done to my home, I will be sure to direct the police to your home. So nice to know one’s stalker.

Clearly Ms. Hoo Ha was becoming untrimmed unhinged at this point. She is ready to snatch snap!

Seriously? Is this post a joke? someone trimmed your bushes for free and did a public service to the neighborhood by opening up the sidewalks (which by the way are city property) and you are writing a bunch of angry-ass emails to the whole neighborhood, talking about “your property, ” “affluent neighborhoods” and “had the balls” —

Friends of our county, where I come from, if someone trims your bush for free, you say thank you. We are all mature adults and all have come across unkempt bushes in our time. The polite way to handle them is to ignore them and later suggest lawn service. Or offer to provide it ourselves. It’s one thing to let your yard go, but please, trim your bushes.

“Haji”

[Editor’s note: high five to the cunning linguist neighbors who posted these gems!!!]

There’s no shame in having a thick bush. But you gotta think about others.

We get notices all the time Bc of vines #personalgardener please come trim our vines. We’ll hydrate you with Bloody Mary’s, beer etc.

Having clipper toting vigilantes determining for themselves what is and isn’t interference is “shear” anarchy 😉

Really, you just never know when somebody is coming along to snatch your bush.

Sorry Edward Scissorhands, not sure “where (you) come from” is, but here, it’s not a great idea to take it upon yourself to become a self appointed “gardener of the people”. Like Roy Munson said to Ismail Boorg (before punching him) “You don’t now another guys lawn”.

Let’s make landscaping great again!

And in case you were wondering, the traditional way to trim your bush in an “affluent neighborhood” is in a V shape.

Moral of the story: Don’t be a pussy. Trim your bush’s naughty bits.

 

PS. If you have made it this far and you still need more laughs, you owe yourself a read of this Reddit thread about this’s post image of the penis-shaped bush created by an unpaid landscaper in the UK…

 

 

 

 

 

A gentle warning: Watch out for unpicked up dog poop

<popcorn!>

I will start by noting that my Google search history is forever ruined by the phrase “image of person throwing dog poop.”

So…it seems the ridiculously rainy spring has finally drove the residents to the brink.

Yes, that’s right, dog poop posts are back.

And this time, the poop is *airborne*.

Watch out for unpicked up dog poop. I was parking my car in front of my home a few minutes ago when I saw a couple with a small dog pooping in front of my house. They rushed off when they saw me. When I got out of the car, I saw a big blob of dog poop on the sidewalk.

[Editor’s Note: I love how the poor grammar makes it seem as though the *couple* was pooping in her yard with their dog as witness and ran off when spotted.]

I figured they hadn’t gone far so I drove down the block to track them and get them to come and pick up the poop. The man was very unpleasant. At first he denied it and threatened to throw dog poop on my car window. But, I wasn’t going to get frightened, and I said I was going to drive behind them slowly and make sure they picked it up. <emphasis added, because good LORD!>

So watch out for them. He is about 6’3”, with light brown/blonde hair, and a blue T-shirt. The girl with him is about 4’5″, looks about 12 or 13 years old, and wearing white flowered tights. Their dog is a small black dog, probably part Shi tzu or some kind of a toy breed. He had a very menacing tone. Please look out for them in case they’re headed your way.

For those in the know, this post was initiated by a listserv regular who lists her location as “on Spring Street,” and has been known to post about her cat’s irritable bowel syndrome.

Can you seriously imagine someone slowly stalking you with their car, yelling about dog poop?!

Thank goodness the BevHills comedian vigilantes were eager to take up the case. God bless the man who posted this zinger:

I’ve come back from a 30 minute patrol looking for these two menaces. I saw a couple that matches your description but all I attempted to question threatened to throw feces at me and other citizens upon continued inquiry. Potential suspects I confronted said that sometimes shit happens and if people feel unsafe we have the option to contact public safety officials. Their hands looked clean but I will remain vigilant.

 

Does anybody have a meat grinder I can borrow for a day?

 

Hi Folks, Do you have a meat grinder I may borrow for a day so I can grind turkey bones and meat for my cat who has inflammatory bowel disease. Or, if you prefer, I’d be happy to come over and grind the meat and bones in your home. Thank you so much.

I was just thinking this morning, boy, it’d sure be nice to have someone stop by and grind some turkey bones in my home.  Haven’t done that in ages – miss those good ‘ol turkey grind days….

Sad cat with irritable bowel syndrome, wishing for ground up turkey meat and bones

(h/t to frequent commenter, JuJu)

Plow survey

SMr. PlownOMyGod! Perhaps you heard we had an epic, one-for-the-recordbooks snowstorm. Of course, I know you are well aware of this because for two days straight, all you listserv folks did was sell and barter snowpants.

Anyway, now that we’re all snowed in and cranky and liquored up, it’s time to start complaining about the speed, process and location of snow removal.

<pops popcorn>

The four stages of snow acceptance, according to the Beverley Hills Listserv:

1. Disbelief and dismay

I have seen several plows but unfortunately none of them have been plowing when I see them, and they are just leaving single-lane roads. I’m surprised more progress has not been made.

When you consider the city taxes we pay – and the increases incurred in years when the housing market was weak — this is really dismal.

2. Conspiracy theories

Listserv regular “Donna” comes out of hibernation:

Hmmm, does someone on the City Council live on Alabama???

3. Gratitude

Let’s all play Pollyanna’s glad game. I’m thankful that:

1. I have power
2. I have heat
3. I have groceries so I can eat
4. I have internet so I can post this message

The snowstorm this past weekend was of historic nature. It’s not a few inches of snow. It takes time to dig out. Give the city workers a break…they’re now dealing with a water main break on King and Quaker.

We all need to be grateful for what we have, rather than what we don’t have.

4. Nope, screw that gratitude crap

First entry in the glad game:

Well I’m glad they are working so hard, and I am sure they are. And earning a living. I am not. I would like to be able to get out to pay for those wonderful things: heat, internet etc. But I can’t.

For the record, *my* street is plowed. Clearly the City wants to stay on my good side.