GET OFF MY LAWN! (Labor Day edition)

Get off my lawnRemember your first summer job as a kid?

Your pal Bev collected pool passes at her local community swimming hole, and used the meager earnings to buy candy cigarettes from the ice cream man in a pathetic attempt to look like a deviant.

Perhaps so many kids these days are forgoing typical summer jobs and instead becoming Instagram influences, Fortnight players, and bitcoin miners, that we’ve forgotten what a classic summer job for kids is really all about.

Because the appearance of some local kids trying to make money mowing lawns has got the listserv all triggered:

2 boys – are knocking on doors with a gas mower , a can full of gas, and a gas edger … i asked how old they are, took a picture… and the response was 12 and 13. Oh and the younger one kept dropping the gas can…This concerns me.. if you are their parents – how did this happen… the older buck said he is just trying to raise money — and was really rude….— question… how would you handle this?

Not surprisingly, the BevHills legal scholars quickly sprung into action.

The email thread was quickly dominated by detailed use case scenarios on child labor laws and documentation on the legal age to use power equipment from the Department of Labor. This included debate on the nuances of gas versus electric edgers.  I. KID. YOU. NOT.

(Aside: I am now really nervous about those cute little book lending library boxes not being up HUD building code. And don’t get me started on the OSHA standards of all the kiddos’ lemonade stands.)

After the legal furor died down, it then became time to pull the race card and play the “Guess the ethnicity of the mowers” game.

I’d be remiss if I didn’t give mad props to the neighbor who tied this thread together with my last one about the great fireworks debate:

Now that we cleared that up, I’m assuming all the anti-sparkers-for-supervised-birthday-parties people are now the pro-unattended-minors-with-open-containers-of-gasoline-and-potentially-hazardous-machinery people.

Of course, I’m so thankful my ol’ pal Raji resurfaced to put it all in perspective:

Friends, I see from recent postings that it is the season for us to share our hopes for our community:

— Loud morning walking is NOT acceptable
— Our “pit” is not a gathering place for drunken fathers or broken toys
— There are far too many squirrels and population reduction is encouraged
— If your trash can is on the street, it is a poop target, and you get extra points if the deposit is made post refuse collection
— Disputes of lawn maintenance can only be settled with physical violence
— Nude dancing in your back yard is not ok if I can see it
— The curb is for good free stuff, not your old exercise bike, quitter
— The Tour de France is in France, not down my street every weekend morning
— Aim your sprinkler properly …the sidewalk will not grow no matter how much you water it
— My lawn is not for your kids’ toys. My trash can is.
Speaking of trash cans, if these boys want to smooth things over and make more money in BevHills, I suggest dog walking.
I highly encourage them to throw out the poop in everyone’s green City trash can 😉.

 

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Fireworks about fireworks 🔥

sparklers spelling out the word POOP
Of course I could google “sparkler poop” and find this image!

Guess how many replies it took for the post about “Where can I find sparklers for a party” turned into a raging gun control debate?!

If you guessed three, you’re a big winner!

Now, I thought everyone knew that fireworks of all kinds are illegal in Alexandria, and that you have drive over to the Fairfax side and sneak them in (not that *I* would ever do that!).

But instead of a polite reminder, we got this:

THEY ARE ILLEGAL.
END OF CONVERSATION.
Same as firing a gun is.
Get over it.

My only complaint is that the jokesters beat me to all the good zingers, so enjoy:

And you’re more likely to be (idiotically) reported to the Mayor’s office for cutting your own trees down on your own private property before being fined for shooting a gun, I mean lighting a few sparklers.

 

A more pressing DANGER to our community are the off-leash dogs which are ALSO illegal and carry the steep threat of fines, dog impounding, court summons, etc., yet nothing ever happens to these non-rule-abiding residents….Letter of the law isn’t exactly followed OR enforced around here…

 

[What about] the anti-tree-cutters on S Overlook that call the Mayors office to tattle in futility and then blast personal contact information on every City of Alexandria list serve in an effort to harass and bully?

But honestly the best part of the still-ongoing thread is that my man Raji is back with his hilarity:

I think we can all agree shooting a gun is only acceptable in self defense or in defense of a dog fecal incident, and even then the dog or owner must be shot in the act of the fecal deposit or encouraging it, and only if they are inserting a sparkler in the the poo pile, birthday cake style.

Strange incident while running this AM

Man in trenchcoat flashing passerbyAka, the time the listserv discussed masturbation…

Just wanted to give you a heads up on a strange thing that happened during my run this morning. I was heading over to meet a friend at 6:35am (it was light out) and I turned on Monticello Blvd from Russell Road and I was running on the left side of the road and a car stopped in the right lane. I looked over, he was making ‘jerking off’ motions at me and he was wearing a mask. He was driving a black Nissan Maxima. I just looked away, kept running and turned on the next street. He sped off when another car came down the hill. I called the police non-emergency number when I got home and I am waiting for a police officer to come over to take a statement. Stay safe out there.

Ew. Ok, that’s nasty and I’m sure we all want to be on guard and offer our support after something so disturbing. Or, make a joke…preferably a political one. The listserv *looooooves* that.

I know this is horrible but I have to make a little joke for everyone’s Friday humor:

Well we know it wasn’t Ted Cruz!

And just like that, #masturbation is a trending topic in BevHills! Cue the horrified and sputtering rants, including:

In all candor, it did offend me in behalf of folks who may have different views from yours and from mine. I am not a Cruz supporter, but folks on the listserve might be wise not to assume that everyone is a Hillary Clinton or Bernie Sanders supporter because they live in Alexandria and thus that such humor is “universal.” …ergo, perhaps better left unsaid!

All I can say is I can’t get this song out of my head today.

TGIF!

 

 

 

 

 

 

Plow survey

SMr. PlownOMyGod! Perhaps you heard we had an epic, one-for-the-recordbooks snowstorm. Of course, I know you are well aware of this because for two days straight, all you listserv folks did was sell and barter snowpants.

Anyway, now that we’re all snowed in and cranky and liquored up, it’s time to start complaining about the speed, process and location of snow removal.

<pops popcorn>

The four stages of snow acceptance, according to the Beverley Hills Listserv:

1. Disbelief and dismay

I have seen several plows but unfortunately none of them have been plowing when I see them, and they are just leaving single-lane roads. I’m surprised more progress has not been made.

When you consider the city taxes we pay – and the increases incurred in years when the housing market was weak — this is really dismal.

2. Conspiracy theories

Listserv regular “Donna” comes out of hibernation:

Hmmm, does someone on the City Council live on Alabama???

3. Gratitude

Let’s all play Pollyanna’s glad game. I’m thankful that:

1. I have power
2. I have heat
3. I have groceries so I can eat
4. I have internet so I can post this message

The snowstorm this past weekend was of historic nature. It’s not a few inches of snow. It takes time to dig out. Give the city workers a break…they’re now dealing with a water main break on King and Quaker.

We all need to be grateful for what we have, rather than what we don’t have.

4. Nope, screw that gratitude crap

First entry in the glad game:

Well I’m glad they are working so hard, and I am sure they are. And earning a living. I am not. I would like to be able to get out to pay for those wonderful things: heat, internet etc. But I can’t.

For the record, *my* street is plowed. Clearly the City wants to stay on my good side.

Gun shots?

Yosemite Sam
Pew pew!

Nothing gets the listserv fired up (see what I did there?!) as much as potential mortal peril in our bucolic hood.

So naturally, there was concern late last night about potential shots fired. And naturally, the comments went from zero to 60 in an instant.

Did anybody just hear what sounded like two gunshots?
Lulu on Beverley

Good thinking posting that, Lulu. That’s what you want to do when you feel unsafe…LISTSERV TO THE RESCUE!

Yes here in franklin court too. Has someone called the police? If not I will.
Lara

At this point, I am imagining these two women cowering in their living rooms, furiously typing out messages to the listserv and waiting for one of the “regulars” to swoop in and save them.

Seriously?? Neither of you had called the police???????

BOOM. Commence throw down. Lulu defends her original email:

Settle down. Police were already responding by the time I hit send on my original post. Still not sure what happened. We couldn’t decipher the conversation happening on our police scanner app.

I’m sorry…WHA?! So you are not calling the police, but writing the listserv and listening to a police scanner (there’s an app for that?!).

Like clockwork, the snarky peacekeepers rear their heads.

Seriously – simmer down. What good does this berating do? Keep it to yourself.

Followed shortly by:

Yes we called the police, you lunatic.

Ah, civil discourse at its finest. The kicker is I still don’t know if actual shots were fired or not.