GET OFF MY LAWN! (Labor Day edition)

Get off my lawnRemember your first summer job as a kid?

Your pal Bev collected pool passes at her local community swimming hole, and used the meager earnings to buy candy cigarettes from the ice cream man in a pathetic attempt to look like a deviant.

Perhaps so many kids these days are forgoing typical summer jobs and instead becoming Instagram influences, Fortnight players, and bitcoin miners, that we’ve forgotten what a classic summer job for kids is really all about.

Because the appearance of some local kids trying to make money mowing lawns has got the listserv all triggered:

2 boys – are knocking on doors with a gas mower , a can full of gas, and a gas edger … i asked how old they are, took a picture… and the response was 12 and 13. Oh and the younger one kept dropping the gas can…This concerns me.. if you are their parents – how did this happen… the older buck said he is just trying to raise money — and was really rude….— question… how would you handle this?

Not surprisingly, the BevHills legal scholars quickly sprung into action.

The email thread was quickly dominated by detailed use case scenarios on child labor laws and documentation on the legal age to use power equipment from the Department of Labor. This included debate on the nuances of gas versus electric edgers.  I. KID. YOU. NOT.

(Aside: I am now really nervous about those cute little book lending library boxes not being up HUD building code. And don’t get me started on the OSHA standards of all the kiddos’ lemonade stands.)

After the legal furor died down, it then became time to pull the race card and play the “Guess the ethnicity of the mowers” game.

I’d be remiss if I didn’t give mad props to the neighbor who tied this thread together with my last one about the great fireworks debate:

Now that we cleared that up, I’m assuming all the anti-sparkers-for-supervised-birthday-parties people are now the pro-unattended-minors-with-open-containers-of-gasoline-and-potentially-hazardous-machinery people.

Of course, I’m so thankful my ol’ pal Raji resurfaced to put it all in perspective:

Friends, I see from recent postings that it is the season for us to share our hopes for our community:

— Loud morning walking is NOT acceptable
— Our “pit” is not a gathering place for drunken fathers or broken toys
— There are far too many squirrels and population reduction is encouraged
— If your trash can is on the street, it is a poop target, and you get extra points if the deposit is made post refuse collection
— Disputes of lawn maintenance can only be settled with physical violence
— Nude dancing in your back yard is not ok if I can see it
— The curb is for good free stuff, not your old exercise bike, quitter
— The Tour de France is in France, not down my street every weekend morning
— Aim your sprinkler properly …the sidewalk will not grow no matter how much you water it
— My lawn is not for your kids’ toys. My trash can is.
Speaking of trash cans, if these boys want to smooth things over and make more money in BevHills, I suggest dog walking.
I highly encourage them to throw out the poop in everyone’s green City trash can 😉.

 

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The listserv is down. I repeat, the listserv is down!

maydayOMG, the BevHills listserv was down all day and now it’s like a firehose of emails complaining, looking for electricians, and selling their crap.

The absolute best was a thread about folks cutting down mature trees.

It involved a lot of public shaming of a realtor involved in a recent house flipping project who had every last bit of greenery ripped out.

Someone posted the realtor’s work information so people could call him and complain, so naturally, that person was accused of doxxing (they helpfully included the Webster’s definition).

Accusations of public shaming began to fly. There were calls to be civil. Somewhere in the distance, a fox howled and dog took a huge crap in someone’s lawn.

A request for hair

Now that the listserv regular “Donna” seems to have gone AWOL (Finally banned? Left to write full-time for the Zebra?!), a certain other zany regular who resides “on E. Spring” has decided to pick the up the gauntlet.

Don’t all go rushing over to her house at once, ya’ll:
I know this is an odd request, but do you have any hair to spare? It can be from a hairbrush, or recent clippings.
The creatures in my garden are eating all my lovely cucumbers and tomatoes and I was told that human hair keeps them away, so I’d like to tie as much hair near the vegetables as possible.
Thank god there isn’t a neighborhood potluck picnic in the hood because I can tell you whose salad I wouldn’t be eating….

Personal Gardener

Here’s what happens when you don’t pay your gardener...Ladies of Beverley Hills, can we talk about landscaping? We all know how important it is to keep your bushes trimmed and tidy.

After a month of rain, it’s no surprise that the gardeners are getting a bit randy about the bushes. Before we dive into the listserv posts, here’s a wee limerick I created over some drinks with friends last night to set the stage:

There once was a bush from Nantucket

Whose leaves were so long you should cut it

I said with a grin

As I gave it a trim,

“If the owner complains she can shove it”

<rimshot>

Oh, wait…

Anyhoo, we all know menfolk like trimmed bushes. Some like it long, or short, or sculpted. You want the sidewalk to be like a landing strip so you can keep your eyes on the prize.

But you don’t want others to trim it for you. Not all of them are good with the clippers. Too short and it might be prickly. Too long, it gets in the way.

Dear Personal Gardener:

I just came out of my home (yes, I own it) to find that you took it upon yourself to cut (yes, you brought your own pruners) my bushes and then left the cut branches on the sidewalk. I noticed that you also cut my neighbor’s ( two houses down) bushes also and left your cuttings.

First, you are not allowed to step on my property and cut my bushes. You cut over onto my property. This is called vandalism and trespassing.

If you wanted me to trim my bushes, please have the courtesy and balls to knock on my front door and politely ask me. I would have been more then accommodating.

Please feel free to provide me with your address so I can return the favor and come to your house. I can butcher your landscaping and be as rude.

After several neighbors noted that it’s actually the owner’s responsibility to keep their bush trimmed back to the bikini line of the sidewalk, the original poster (let’s just call her “Ms. Hoo Ha”, shall we?!) replied:

No one has the right to vandalize, trespass on, or litter on other people’s property. There is no excuse.

We teach children common courtesy, not to litter and not to touch what does not belong to them. I’d hope in our affluent area, the adults would act just as responsibly. And yes, if something is bothering you regarding your neighbor’s property, politely knock on their door and tell them. Your neighbor can’t fix what they don’t know about.

Who is so self-centered they think they can go along poking their noses in other people’s bushes?!

I hear ya – what’s happening in this neighborhood??? Just last week, we had someone stop by our house and take all our lingerie down from the clothes line – and they call this an “affluent neighborhood?!?” Next thing ya know our pink flamingos will be gone.

Ms. Hoo Ha was so angered that she sputtered:

If any theft or damage is done to my home, I will be sure to direct the police to your home. So nice to know one’s stalker.

Clearly Ms. Hoo Ha was becoming untrimmed unhinged at this point. She is ready to snatch snap!

Seriously? Is this post a joke? someone trimmed your bushes for free and did a public service to the neighborhood by opening up the sidewalks (which by the way are city property) and you are writing a bunch of angry-ass emails to the whole neighborhood, talking about “your property, ” “affluent neighborhoods” and “had the balls” —

Friends of our county, where I come from, if someone trims your bush for free, you say thank you. We are all mature adults and all have come across unkempt bushes in our time. The polite way to handle them is to ignore them and later suggest lawn service. Or offer to provide it ourselves. It’s one thing to let your yard go, but please, trim your bushes.

“Haji”

[Editor’s note: high five to the cunning linguist neighbors who posted these gems!!!]

There’s no shame in having a thick bush. But you gotta think about others.

We get notices all the time Bc of vines #personalgardener please come trim our vines. We’ll hydrate you with Bloody Mary’s, beer etc.

Having clipper toting vigilantes determining for themselves what is and isn’t interference is “shear” anarchy 😉

Really, you just never know when somebody is coming along to snatch your bush.

Sorry Edward Scissorhands, not sure “where (you) come from” is, but here, it’s not a great idea to take it upon yourself to become a self appointed “gardener of the people”. Like Roy Munson said to Ismail Boorg (before punching him) “You don’t now another guys lawn”.

Let’s make landscaping great again!

And in case you were wondering, the traditional way to trim your bush in an “affluent neighborhood” is in a V shape.

Moral of the story: Don’t be a pussy. Trim your bush’s naughty bits.

 

PS. If you have made it this far and you still need more laughs, you owe yourself a read of this Reddit thread about this’s post image of the penis-shaped bush created by an unpaid landscaper in the UK…