Fireworks about fireworks ūüĒ•

sparklers spelling out the word POOP
Of course I could google “sparkler poop” and find this image!

Guess how many replies it took for the post about “Where can I find sparklers for a¬†party” turned into a raging gun control debate?!

If you guessed three, you’re a big winner!

Now, I thought everyone knew that fireworks of all kinds are illegal in Alexandria, and that you have drive over to the Fairfax side and sneak them in (not that *I* would ever do that!).

But instead of a polite reminder, we got this:

THEY ARE ILLEGAL.
END OF CONVERSATION.
Same as firing a gun is.
Get over it.

My only complaint is that the jokesters beat me to all the good zingers, so enjoy:

And you’re more likely to be (idiotically) reported to the Mayor’s office for cutting your own trees down on your own private property before being fined for shooting a gun, I mean lighting a few sparklers.

 

A more pressing DANGER to our community are the off-leash dogs which are ALSO illegal and carry the steep threat of fines, dog impounding, court summons, etc., yet nothing ever happens to these non-rule-abiding residents….Letter of the law isn’t exactly followed OR enforced around here…

 

[What about] the anti-tree-cutters on S Overlook that call the Mayors office to tattle in futility and then blast personal contact information on every City of Alexandria list serve in an effort to harass and bully?

But honestly the best part of the still-ongoing thread is that my man Raji is back with his hilarity:

I think we can all agree shooting a gun is only acceptable in self defense or in defense of a dog fecal incident, and even then the dog or owner must be shot in the act of the fecal deposit or encouraging it, and only if they are inserting a sparkler in the the poo pile, birthday cake style.
Advertisements

A gentle warning: Watch out for unpicked up dog poop

<popcorn!>

I will start by noting that¬†my Google search history is forever ruined by the phrase “image of person throwing dog poop.”

So…it seems the¬†ridiculously rainy spring has finally drove the residents to the brink.

Yes, that’s right, dog poop posts are back.

And this time, the poop is *airborne*.

Watch out for unpicked up dog poop. I was parking my car in front of my home a few minutes ago when I saw a couple with a small dog pooping in front of my house. They rushed off when they saw me. When I got out of the car, I saw a big blob of dog poop on the sidewalk.

[Editor’s Note:¬†I love how the poor grammar makes it seem as though¬†the *couple* was pooping in her yard with their dog as witness and ran off when spotted.]

I figured they hadn’t gone far so I drove down the block to track them and get them to come and pick up the poop. The man was very unpleasant. At first he denied it and threatened to throw dog poop on my car window. But, I wasn’t going to get frightened, and I said I was going to drive behind them slowly and make sure they picked it up. <emphasis added, because good LORD!>

So watch out for them. He is about 6’3”, with light brown/blonde hair, and a blue T-shirt. The girl with him is about 4’5″, looks about 12 or 13 years old, and wearing white flowered tights. Their dog is a small black dog, probably part Shi tzu or some kind of a toy breed. He had a very menacing tone. Please look out for them in case they’re headed your way.

For those in the know, this post was initiated by a listserv regular who lists her location as “on Spring Street,” and has been known to post about her cat’s irritable bowel syndrome.

Can you seriously imagine someone slowly stalking you with their car, yelling about dog poop?!

Thank goodness the BevHills comedian vigilantes were eager to take up the case. God bless the man who posted this zinger:

I’ve come back from a 30 minute patrol looking for these two menaces. I saw a couple that matches your description but all I attempted to question threatened to throw feces at me and other citizens upon continued inquiry. Potential suspects I confronted said that sometimes shit happens and if people feel unsafe we have the option to contact public safety officials. Their hands looked clean but I will remain vigilant.

 

Someone took all our Halloween Candy

Trick or TreatersApparently my delusional neighbors here in BevHills think that our bucolic avenues here are somehow exempt from the time-honored antics of Halloween.

You know the drill:

We left a very large bag full of Halloween candy on our doorstep with a note saying please take some. We have a newborn baby and so didn’t want people ringing our¬†doorbell. Some kids just came to the door and when we went out, the whole bag had gone. The candy was there to be given away, but we feel disappointed that we had nothing to give those children because someone was selfish enough to take the whole lot.

We got hit too. Next year I am going to add a line to my “please just take a few pieces” note that says “camera surveillance in use”. Maybe that will scare them straight!
GASP! Hooligans and ruffians have invaded, because clearly they could NOT have been raised here and display such horrid manners!

Same for us.  An overflowing bowl, gone while unattended for less than 30 minutes, and before dark.  That tells me the culprits were likely accompanied by parents who were ostensibly raised better than that.  Very disappointing.

My old buddy Donna (who wrote in a post-mortem listserv email about the Gun Shots? post that I was *jealous *of her) was kind enough to chime in and make unsubstantiated claims about the nature of the mischief:

I saw several large groups of pre-teens/teens without adult supervision on Russell Rd. before dark. I got the young ones at my house after dark (with adults). They were very polite!

Thankfully, my¬†neighbor “Henry” made my blog posting easier with this gem:

The several large groups of pre-teens/teens without adult supervision on Russell Rd. came to Circle Hill after that and REPLENISHED my empty bowl.  Some were dressed (?) as gypsies and Rajis and poop bags.

Dog poop trash can

Which reminds me, did any of you see my costume this year?

I think it was rather inspired.

Dog Poop in my Recycling Bin

NO dog poop!Like the great eye of Sauron, the BevHills listserv focused with laser intensity on dog poop once again.

When the words “dog poop” show up in my inbox, you can pretty much pop the popcorn and sit back to enjoy instant hilarity. Today did NOT disappoint.

No other topic brings out the absolute utter insanity of the neighborhood quite like excrement.

At issue (once again) is the disposal of poop bags in¬†other people’s¬†big green curbside trash cans. One¬†person gently reminded the group of that these cans actually belong to the City of Alexandria, so they are actually not personal property. The response?!

This sounds to me like an open invitation for everyone to put their dog poop in Tina’s* garbage can on Dogwood Drive? What’s your house number so we can dispose of our dog’s poop and then you can clean the can out when the waste turns to maggots?

(*All names changed to protect the crazies.)

From there, not surprisingly, the thread exploded.

Neighbor 1: Yesterday a lady with a very large dog on a very long lead decided that my front garden was her dogs new marking ground and let him roam for about 3 minutes doing his business here and there. I watched¬†her from upstairs. Next time I’ll be squirting her (not the dog who is not at fault) with a water gun.

And then, perhaps, some voice of reason:

Neighbor 2: Dear God you people are freaking nuts.¬†How old are you, 10? You seriously have nothing better to do than sit in your window monitoring your yard for dog walkers? You’re actually going to pull out a hose and squirt someone? That says an awful lot about you as a person.

Followed by an inspired current event joke:

Neighbor 3 [responding to person who rallied everyone to put poop in Tina’s can]:¬†Thank you for becoming the Donald Trump of the listserv.

Zing!

But WAIT! Tina decides to double-down!

XXXX Dogwood Drive. I am happy to continue to be a good neighbor and let you use the can loaned to me by the city for your doggies do-do.

And then, like a unicorn pooping glitter rainbows (pun intended), the thread morphs into another cherished listserv topic on animal care and eco-friendliness when the owner of a pet shop¬†in Del Ray chimes in…

Feeding a dog and/or cat raw frozen or freeze dried meals actually reduces the smell of feces considerably! One of the benefits of Raw Feeding your dog is the less mess that they leave behind. Because they are able to glean most of the nutrition from the food that they eat (Raw meals & meaty bones), the waste is considerably less. What they do leave behind crumbles away in a couple of days.

Here’s a quick Youtube vid to show you the result of a dog on raw meals! (WARNING, VIDEO CONTAINS DOG POO!)¬†https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XoIhJnTeu94

My head is already exploding from the hilarity of the past 3 hours of comments, when “Donna”, a prolific poster chimes in with:

I wish the people who let their cats roam freely would come to my yard and pick up their cat’s feces!!!!¬† And, talk about smell – cat urine has got to be one of the worst, especially on a hot day!

I’ll swing by and get that poop on my way to Tina’s house. Never change, Beverley Hills. Never change.