Is NOTHING sacred? City ruins trash-picking Christmas

sanford and sonJust weeks after BevHills listserv erupted about the poors moving in (and my lil’ ol blog was featured in the Washingtonian!!!), folks are now furious about changes to their favorite annual holiday, junk trash day (aka Spring Clean Up).

The Spring Clean Up has always occurred one magical Saturday a year, where people can put bulk trash and oversized items at the curb for trash pick up.

BevHills residents gleefully turn into Sanford and Son-esque trash pickers, slowly trawling the neighborhood in their cars to scavenge bulk items like used furniture, gallons of old paint, half-destroyed kid toys, and broken Lime scooters (lol). It’s like Santa, but in reverse.

As with all BevHill listerv runaway rants, it started with an innocuous request from someone looking for the date of this year’s holy event.  And it was met with some shocking news…Spring Clean Up is no more.

That’s because the City of Alexandria has found it is cheaper and more efficient to just pick these items up every week. Which means that in reality, every Thursday can be Spring Clean Up day, and a fabulous opportunity to find roadside treasures.

Yay, right?!

Ha ha, of course not. You, dear reader, know that this news was immediately met with complaints.

“You canceled one of our favorite events!” (seriously?! Get a hobby, Karen). And cue the mayor-haters, who whined about a lack of transparency despite the fact that it’s on the City’s website and certainly contained in one of Justin’s monthly tomes on every last everything going on the city. But ugh, reading, amirite?!

So get ready for the weekly Thursday Hunger Games of trash scavenging, my pretties. May the odds be ever in your favor…

 

 

 

 

Look out! The poors are coming!

Have you been following the 3 day+ rager on the listserv about supposed plans for George Mason Elementary school?

For those of you that just read this blog for comedic value and can’t be bothered with your idiotic neighbors’ rants, there was a PowerPoint deck that went out from ACPS to parents at the school outlining how they plan to rebuild the aging building. Only, an earlier draft had a mention of the space’s potential for housing, and someone read it and freaked the hell out thinking there was a land grab. The final draft that’s online has no mention of the school being used for housing, but hahahaha who can be bothered to read, and why do facts matter?

In no particular order, the BH listserv worked themselves into a froth about:

  • Racism
  • Class warfare
  • Why people of more modest means would want to live among seven-figure dwellings (Jesus f’ing Christ, people!)
  • Greenspace
  • The difference between affordable housing and low-income housing
  • Parking
  • The Mayor’s developer mafia
  • Traffic
  • Number and types of cars in BH
  • The annual salaries of firefighters
  • What constitutes an ACPS employee versus a contractor
  • Will my home value go down if everyone near me isn’t rich
  • The number of square feet a single mom and 2 kids need
  • Zoning rules (and wouldn’t these people be better in Del Ray?!)

Honest to god though, I had to pick my jaw off the floor, when I read THIS gem from the lovely Jennifer M.:

What’s perplexing to me is how anyone can think that folks living in affordable housing want to live in a neighborhood with $1M+ homes.  You think that’s going to make them feel better about themselves?  Taking the bus while a neighbor is driving a Mercedes is going to perk them up?  Think they are going to feel like they belong to the local community??  Come on – who would want that?

Seriously, JFC. I hope everyone throws their dog poop bags in your city trash can, Jennifer.

Anyway, I’ve been sitting back writing and rewriting a possible blog post for the past several days, and then I see that my fans have spoken (Thanks, Tom E.! I’ll bring by a halal chicken to reward you for the plug!).

Wait, so this was all one big misunderstanding?  Oh boy…can’t wait to see what Tales from the BH Listserv is going to say about this!!!!

It’s time for Bev to chime in.

May I present to you a one-act play I’ve written, entitled “The George Mason Commons”:

———

The sun is rising and people across Beverley Hills are getting ready to go to work.

A brown-skinned person walks out of the old George Mason Elementary school, recently renamed “The George Mason Commons” because affordable housing brought a wave of commoners into the neighborhood.

She waves at the recycling truck crew as they drive by. After all, they all live in the building. “Damn,” she thinks, “this Beverley Hills neighborhood might not be everything I dreamed it would be. They don’t even have curbside glass recycling here. What have I gotten myself into?!”

She tries to put it out of her mind, only to look up and see one of those fancy-pants single-family-home dwellers drive by in a Mercedes. Sigh. Clearly, she is unable to see a nice car and not hate on herself.

“I’ll show those snobs,” she thinks, walking past the bus stop of lowlife scum waiting for transport to the Pentagon, DC law firms, and other low-class jobs.

Finding a pile of abandoned scooters in a heap across the sidewalk, she heads off, helmetless, toward her job at the newly opened halal butcher shop.

Of course, the fastest option is to zip her scooter down Seminary Road. Ever since the road diet (high five, Mayor Wilson!), she can get to work before the angry picketing crowds show up and ruin her mood. Speaking of mood, she’s having such a fun, fast ride that she waves to all the cars waiting. A few of the drivers see her and honk. “Wait, are those middle fingers?” she wonders. “No, they couldn’t be. Not here. I’m pretty sure those drivers are just telling me I’m #1 based on my eco-friendly commute!”

The scooter breaks down about a block away from work when she jumps it over one of the ridiculously high speedbumps recently installed. “Hmm,” she thinks, “maybe some of Mayor Wilson’s developer cronies put these here.” Angered,  she flings the scooter in the road, because scooter riders do what they want.

Her workday at the butcher is pretty quiet and uneventful, except for all the dogs outside howling because the blood makes them crazy. She ignores the sound, and when she eventually gets bored, her mind wanders. “Man, I’m so lucky to have scored that affordable housing in the middle of Beverley Hills. To think it was all because a sneaky ACPS ‘contractor’ stuck that slide in a PowerPoint deck a few years ago and set it all in motion. Surely, this is the only way a person of color like me could ever gain entrance to such a utopia. I don’t even have a European car.”

With her shift done and unable to find a scooter, she hops on the bus (ew, gross!) and makes her way back to the four-story George Mason Commons building she now calls home.

Walking up to the building, she narrowly avoids stepping in a fresh pile of dog poo that someone neglected to pick up. “What a jerk!” she says. “Dog poo belongs in people’s city-provided trash cans!” At last, the brown-skinned woman climbs the stairs to her apartment. First floor, firefighters. Second floor, trash truck folks. Third floor, sketchy potential child molesters. And finally, fourth floor, the poors.

Home sweet home. As she walks in the door, she can’t help but sing the words to the Weezer song, “Beverly Hills”:
Where I come from isn’t all that great
My automobile is a piece of crap
My fashion sense is a little whack
And my friends are just as screwy as me

Beverly Hills!
That’s where I want to be!
Gimme gimme gimme gimme!
Living in Beverly Hills!

[Aaaaand scene]

PS. How has our opinionated “Donna” not chimed in on this thread after 3 days?? Has anyone checked in on her? Does she have cats? They get so hungry…

🚨Look out for the BevHills self-centeredness police!🚨

Image result for grandpa simpson old man yells at cloudWith the Seminary Road Diet Conspiracy of 2019 in the rearview mirror (groan), it was clearly essential to keep road safety on the radar (lol).

Taking a break from vocally complaining about scooters with Grandpa Simpson rants about “where are the parents?!”, listserv regular “Donna” is at it again.  In a thread about the dangers of parents double parking outside schools for pickups/dropoffs, she chimed in with this gem:

The self-centeredness of people around here is incredible. I sat in my car waiting behind 2 other cars and 3 behind me while a driver backed into a space. Took 2 backups to get in – held up 6 drivers at a medical building…  how selfish for their own convenience.

Sorry, come again? Donna, are you actually complaining that you had to wait for someone to park at a doctor’s office? And that the act of backing into a space is self-centered?

Isn’t there a restaurant that you should be visiting so you can write a pandering Zebra review in exchange for a free meal?!

[Side note, thanks to the fearless BevHills listserv moderator, Mr. W.H., for sharing yesterday’s blog post with the entire group — welcome new subscribers!]

Put your fat @$$ on a road diet

Is there a listserv dedicated to inflating minor civic concerns into intractable quarrels? Asking for a friend. — BevHills listserv member

Image result for diet belt squeezeCan someone please inform this nice man about my lil’ ol blog?!

Just as the great halal butchery slaughterhouse debate died down this summer, the listserv turned their rage to a proposed “road diet” for a stretch of Seminary Road less than a mile long.

Last I checked, our bucolic hood is several miles from this road, but one would be led to believe they were putting a six-lane toll road down Old Dominion Boulevard by the uproar on the listserv.

Now, everyone is a traffic engineer and we are told to fear the evil bicycle lobby — as one member states, we’re “handing over most of our streets to bicycles.” <insert eyeroll emoji here>

Everyone’s talking about what THEY’D do if they were on the City Council, so I look forward to all the whiners’ campaigns next election. <insert second eyeroll emoji>

My personal favorite hysterical quote is about City of Alexandria’s Mayor, Justin Wilson:

We must remember all that this uncaring and irresponsive Wilson administration–to put it mildly–has done against the opinions and beliefs of the voting residents of this City.

Whether you love him or hate him, Major Wilson is not only legendary for his wonky deep-dive newsletters each month, but also his speed at responding to every text message/Facebook message/email/tweet/carrier pigeon note/scooter delivery (I kid!). Seriously, I think that guy must send some of his missives from the toilet.

Speaking of which, looks like Seminary Road is going on a diet, so it would be a great time to get back to poop complaints and maybe squirrel poisoning debates.

Who’s ready for a scooter rage rant?!

Image result for lime scooters accident  memeI stayed out of the halal butcher hysteria just to keep you all wanting more, but whoooo doggie, the proliferation of scooters has got folks *worked up*.

And by folks, I mean BevHills busybody “Donna”, who uses her spare time when not writing a complaint column in the local newspaper that is literally called “What Bugs Me” to utterly trash her neighbors on an almost daily basis on the listserv.

The subject of her recent ire is the City’s pilot program on electric scooters. To say folks are passionate on either side is an understatement. I’ve ridden them. I’ve also picked up fallen ones and moved them off the sidewalk.

But you know what I haven’t done? Interrogate a kid riding on the sidewalk and write an open letter to his parents to shame them.

Here’s the full rant from Donna:

To the parents of H____ M___ (Bev note: I’m not naming him because, RUDE!):

Did you know he is illegally riding a lime scooter? At the busy intersection of Monticello and Russell Rd.

Obviously under 16 and riding on the sidewalk. NO HELMET too.

Someone used their drivers license and credit card to use the scooter. Do you have a death wish for your son?

There are at least 13 attributable deaths with scooters. At least, those are the ones that have counted. And they were adults with allegedly more sense than a child!

Not a good look accusing parents of having a death wish for their child.

Mad props to the listserv member rewrote Donna’s notable “be kind to animals” email signature:

If you have room in your heart, please don’t publicly shame little kids.  They are children who ask nothing of you and give back so much.  As Ben Franklin said, “mind your own d@mn business.”

By the way, if you haven’t seen the South Park spoof, this is as close as I think you can get to Donna’s blind hatred of scooters 😉

 

When is trick or treating happening this year? 

Kid crying because some moron doesn't know that you give out candy on HalloweenIs this some kind of trick question?!

Or is someone trying to fire up the listserv today?

You see this kiddo here?

He’s crying because some moron doesn’t know that you give out candy on *October 31st*.

 

With Halloween happening on Wednesday the 31st this year, does anyone know when  trick or treating will happen?  On the day?  On October 27? On November 3?

You can debate whether dog poop is allowed in the big green City trashcans, but you CANNOT TAKE AWAY TRICK OR TREATING ON HALLOWEEN, you commie!

Now excuse me while I go back to stuffing my face with candy corn…

GET OFF MY LAWN! (Labor Day edition)

Get off my lawnRemember your first summer job as a kid?

Your pal Bev collected pool passes at her local community swimming hole, and used the meager earnings to buy candy cigarettes from the ice cream man in a pathetic attempt to look like a deviant.

Perhaps so many kids these days are forgoing typical summer jobs and instead becoming Instagram influences, Fortnight players, and bitcoin miners, that we’ve forgotten what a classic summer job for kids is really all about.

Because the appearance of some local kids trying to make money mowing lawns has got the listserv all triggered:

2 boys – are knocking on doors with a gas mower , a can full of gas, and a gas edger … i asked how old they are, took a picture… and the response was 12 and 13. Oh and the younger one kept dropping the gas can…This concerns me.. if you are their parents – how did this happen… the older buck said he is just trying to raise money — and was really rude….— question… how would you handle this?

Not surprisingly, the BevHills legal scholars quickly sprung into action.

The email thread was quickly dominated by detailed use case scenarios on child labor laws and documentation on the legal age to use power equipment from the Department of Labor. This included debate on the nuances of gas versus electric edgers.  I. KID. YOU. NOT.

(Aside: I am now really nervous about those cute little book lending library boxes not being up HUD building code. And don’t get me started on the OSHA standards of all the kiddos’ lemonade stands.)

After the legal furor died down, it then became time to pull the race card and play the “Guess the ethnicity of the mowers” game.

I’d be remiss if I didn’t give mad props to the neighbor who tied this thread together with my last one about the great fireworks debate:

Now that we cleared that up, I’m assuming all the anti-sparkers-for-supervised-birthday-parties people are now the pro-unattended-minors-with-open-containers-of-gasoline-and-potentially-hazardous-machinery people.

Of course, I’m so thankful my ol’ pal Raji resurfaced to put it all in perspective:

Friends, I see from recent postings that it is the season for us to share our hopes for our community:

— Loud morning walking is NOT acceptable
— Our “pit” is not a gathering place for drunken fathers or broken toys
— There are far too many squirrels and population reduction is encouraged
— If your trash can is on the street, it is a poop target, and you get extra points if the deposit is made post refuse collection
— Disputes of lawn maintenance can only be settled with physical violence
— Nude dancing in your back yard is not ok if I can see it
— The curb is for good free stuff, not your old exercise bike, quitter
— The Tour de France is in France, not down my street every weekend morning
— Aim your sprinkler properly …the sidewalk will not grow no matter how much you water it
— My lawn is not for your kids’ toys. My trash can is.
Speaking of trash cans, if these boys want to smooth things over and make more money in BevHills, I suggest dog walking.
I highly encourage them to throw out the poop in everyone’s green City trash can 😉.

 

Fireworks about fireworks 🔥

sparklers spelling out the word POOP
Of course I could google “sparkler poop” and find this image!

Guess how many replies it took for the post about “Where can I find sparklers for a party” turned into a raging gun control debate?!

If you guessed three, you’re a big winner!

Now, I thought everyone knew that fireworks of all kinds are illegal in Alexandria, and that you have drive over to the Fairfax side and sneak them in (not that *I* would ever do that!).

But instead of a polite reminder, we got this:

THEY ARE ILLEGAL.
END OF CONVERSATION.
Same as firing a gun is.
Get over it.

My only complaint is that the jokesters beat me to all the good zingers, so enjoy:

And you’re more likely to be (idiotically) reported to the Mayor’s office for cutting your own trees down on your own private property before being fined for shooting a gun, I mean lighting a few sparklers.

 

A more pressing DANGER to our community are the off-leash dogs which are ALSO illegal and carry the steep threat of fines, dog impounding, court summons, etc., yet nothing ever happens to these non-rule-abiding residents….Letter of the law isn’t exactly followed OR enforced around here…

 

[What about] the anti-tree-cutters on S Overlook that call the Mayors office to tattle in futility and then blast personal contact information on every City of Alexandria list serve in an effort to harass and bully?

But honestly the best part of the still-ongoing thread is that my man Raji is back with his hilarity:

I think we can all agree shooting a gun is only acceptable in self defense or in defense of a dog fecal incident, and even then the dog or owner must be shot in the act of the fecal deposit or encouraging it, and only if they are inserting a sparkler in the the poo pile, birthday cake style.

The listserv is down. I repeat, the listserv is down!

maydayOMG, the BevHills listserv was down all day and now it’s like a firehose of emails complaining, looking for electricians, and selling their crap.

The absolute best was a thread about folks cutting down mature trees.

It involved a lot of public shaming of a realtor involved in a recent house flipping project who had every last bit of greenery ripped out.

Someone posted the realtor’s work information so people could call him and complain, so naturally, that person was accused of doxxing (they helpfully included the Webster’s definition).

Accusations of public shaming began to fly. There were calls to be civil. Somewhere in the distance, a fox howled and dog took a huge crap in someone’s lawn.