We have a beautiful loose chicken in front yard on North Overlook.
<insert election day joke here?!>
Hello friends. It’s been quiet since “Donna” got banned, and everyone returned to their usual requests for plumbers and such. Nary a dog poop post in sight.
I was beginning to think we’d all returned to normal when this gem showed up in my inbox:
Does anyone have any experiences – positive or negative – with the man selling cuts of meat from his van, going door to door?
While he has been nothing but kind, he is pretty aggressive in his sales approach and could not provide me with a business card/credentials or website. I’d be curious to hear from anyone else who has heard from him and/or purchased meat from him?
Of course, we all know the answer is “Anyone who purchased meat out of a van is long since dead.”
May I suggest the driving to the Giant?!
Now that the listserv regular “Donna” seems to have gone AWOL (Finally banned? Left to write full-time for the Zebra?!), a certain other zany regular who resides “on E. Spring” has decided to pick the up the gauntlet.
I know this is an odd request, but do you have any hair to spare? It can be from a hairbrush, or recent clippings.The creatures in my garden are eating all my lovely cucumbers and tomatoes and I was told that human hair keeps them away, so I’d like to tie as much hair near the vegetables as possible.
Ladies of Beverley Hills, can we talk about landscaping? We all know how important it is to keep your bushes trimmed and tidy.
After a month of rain, it’s no surprise that the gardeners are getting a bit randy about the bushes. Before we dive into the listserv posts, here’s a wee limerick I created over some drinks with friends last night to set the stage:
Anyhoo, we all know menfolk like trimmed bushes. Some like it long, or short, or sculpted. You want the sidewalk to be like a landing strip so you can keep your eyes on the prize.
But you don’t want others to trim it for you. Not all of them are good with the clippers. Too short and it might be prickly. Too long, it gets in the way.
Dear Personal Gardener:
I just came out of my home (yes, I own it) to find that you took it upon yourself to cut (yes, you brought your own pruners) my bushes and then left the cut branches on the sidewalk. I noticed that you also cut my neighbor’s ( two houses down) bushes also and left your cuttings.
First, you are not allowed to step on my property and cut my bushes. You cut over onto my property. This is called vandalism and trespassing.
If you wanted me to trim my bushes, please have the courtesy and balls to knock on my front door and politely ask me. I would have been more then accommodating.
Please feel free to provide me with your address so I can return the favor and come to your house. I can butcher your landscaping and be as rude.
After several neighbors noted that it’s actually the owner’s responsibility to keep their bush trimmed back to the bikini line of the sidewalk, the original poster (let’s just call her “Ms. Hoo Ha”, shall we?!) replied:
No one has the right to vandalize, trespass on, or litter on other people’s property. There is no excuse.
We teach children common courtesy, not to litter and not to touch what does not belong to them. I’d hope in our affluent area, the adults would act just as responsibly. And yes, if something is bothering you regarding your neighbor’s property, politely knock on their door and tell them. Your neighbor can’t fix what they don’t know about.
Who is so self-centered they think they can go along poking their noses in other people’s bushes?!
I hear ya – what’s happening in this neighborhood??? Just last week, we had someone stop by our house and take all our lingerie down from the clothes line – and they call this an “affluent neighborhood?!?” Next thing ya know our pink flamingos will be gone.
Ms. Hoo Ha was so angered that she sputtered:
If any theft or damage is done to my home, I will be sure to direct the police to your home. So nice to know one’s stalker.
Clearly Ms. Hoo Ha was becoming
untrimmed unhinged at this point. She is ready to snatch snap!
Seriously? Is this post a joke? someone trimmed your bushes for free and did a public service to the neighborhood by opening up the sidewalks (which by the way are city property) and you are writing a bunch of angry-ass emails to the whole neighborhood, talking about “your property, ” “affluent neighborhoods” and “had the balls” —
Friends of our county, where I come from, if someone trims your bush for free, you say thank you. We are all mature adults and all have come across unkempt bushes in our time. The polite way to handle them is to ignore them and later suggest lawn service. Or offer to provide it ourselves. It’s one thing to let your yard go, but please, trim your bushes.
[Editor’s note: high five to the cunning linguist neighbors who posted these gems!!!]
There’s no shame in having a thick bush. But you gotta think about others.
We get notices all the time Bc of vines #personalgardener please come trim our vines. We’ll hydrate you with Bloody Mary’s, beer etc.
Having clipper toting vigilantes determining for themselves what is and isn’t interference is “shear” anarchy 😉
Really, you just never know when somebody is coming along to snatch your bush.
Sorry Edward Scissorhands, not sure “where (you) come from” is, but here, it’s not a great idea to take it upon yourself to become a self appointed “gardener of the people”. Like Roy Munson said to Ismail Boorg (before punching him) “You don’t now another guys lawn”.
Let’s make landscaping great again!
And in case you were wondering, the traditional way to trim your bush in an “affluent neighborhood” is in a V shape.
Moral of the story: Don’t be a pussy. Trim your bush’s naughty bits.
PS. If you have made it this far and you still need more laughs, you owe yourself a read of this Reddit thread about this’s post image of the penis-shaped bush created by an unpaid landscaper in the UK…
I will start by noting that my Google search history is forever ruined by the phrase “image of person throwing dog poop.”
So…it seems the ridiculously rainy spring has finally drove the residents to the brink.
Yes, that’s right, dog poop posts are back.
And this time, the poop is *airborne*.
Watch out for unpicked up dog poop. I was parking my car in front of my home a few minutes ago when I saw a couple with a small dog pooping in front of my house. They rushed off when they saw me. When I got out of the car, I saw a big blob of dog poop on the sidewalk.
[Editor’s Note: I love how the poor grammar makes it seem as though the *couple* was pooping in her yard with their dog as witness and ran off when spotted.]
I figured they hadn’t gone far so I drove down the block to track them and get them to come and pick up the poop. The man was very unpleasant. At first he denied it and threatened to throw dog poop on my car window. But, I wasn’t going to get frightened, and I said I was going to drive behind them slowly and make sure they picked it up. <emphasis added, because good LORD!>
So watch out for them. He is about 6’3”, with light brown/blonde hair, and a blue T-shirt. The girl with him is about 4’5″, looks about 12 or 13 years old, and wearing white flowered tights. Their dog is a small black dog, probably part Shi tzu or some kind of a toy breed. He had a very menacing tone. Please look out for them in case they’re headed your way.
For those in the know, this post was initiated by a listserv regular who lists her location as “on Spring Street,” and has been known to post about her cat’s irritable bowel syndrome.
Can you seriously imagine someone slowly stalking you with their car, yelling about dog poop?!
Thank goodness the BevHills comedian vigilantes were eager to take up the case. God bless the man who posted this zinger:
I’ve come back from a 30 minute patrol looking for these two menaces. I saw a couple that matches your description but all I attempted to question threatened to throw feces at me and other citizens upon continued inquiry. Potential suspects I confronted said that sometimes shit happens and if people feel unsafe we have the option to contact public safety officials. Their hands looked clean but I will remain vigilant.
Aka, the time the listserv discussed masturbation…
Just wanted to give you a heads up on a strange thing that happened during my run this morning. I was heading over to meet a friend at 6:35am (it was light out) and I turned on Monticello Blvd from Russell Road and I was running on the left side of the road and a car stopped in the right lane. I looked over, he was making ‘jerking off’ motions at me and he was wearing a mask. He was driving a black Nissan Maxima. I just looked away, kept running and turned on the next street. He sped off when another car came down the hill. I called the police non-emergency number when I got home and I am waiting for a police officer to come over to take a statement. Stay safe out there.
Ew. Ok, that’s nasty and I’m sure we all want to be on guard and offer our support after something so disturbing. Or, make a joke…preferably a political one. The listserv *looooooves* that.
I know this is horrible but I have to make a little joke for everyone’s Friday humor:
Well we know it wasn’t Ted Cruz!
And just like that, #masturbation is a trending topic in BevHills! Cue the horrified and sputtering rants, including:
In all candor, it did offend me in behalf of folks who may have different views from yours and from mine. I am not a Cruz supporter, but folks on the listserve might be wise not to assume that everyone is a Hillary Clinton or Bernie Sanders supporter because they live in Alexandria and thus that such humor is “universal.” …ergo, perhaps better left unsaid!
All I can say is I can’t get this song out of my head today.
I can’t be the only one who remembers this gem from two years ago today?!
The resident troll, “Haji”, baited on the listserv with a topic near and dear…critters!
I am hoping to get ahead of the usual squirrel population boom this spring. Unfortunately two of the local hardware stores are not yet selling poison peanuts. Does anyone know if one of the larger chains carry them? I am hoping to avoid shipping costs.
Here are my favorite responses:
I typically find that bike lanes are the best squirrel deterrents. Unless the bike lanes are really steep and the squirrels know that they can get rid of uphill bikers because they are going too slow.
Alexandria Brunswick Stew
2 fattened squirrels *
4 cups of corn kernels
4 cups diced tomatoes
4 cups sliced okra
2 cups fresh butter beans
2 sweet onions, chopped
Remove road debris or birdshot from squirrel. Boil squirrel until meat
falls from bones (season with salt, pepper, thyme, bay leaf, a little wine
or part broth, if desired, or use your favorite seasonings). Remove meat
from bones. Return meat to the water it was boiled in. Add vegetables,
salt, and pepper to taste. Simmer until the mixture thickens, about 1 hour.
* for the brave at heart or those wanting a more gamey flavour, add 1
Spring has sprung!
Hi Folks, Do you have a meat grinder I may borrow for a day so I can grind turkey bones and meat for my cat who has inflammatory bowel disease. Or, if you prefer, I’d be happy to come over and grind the meat and bones in your home. Thank you so much.
I was just thinking this morning, boy, it’d sure be nice to have someone stop by and grind some turkey bones in my home. Haven’t done that in ages – miss those good ‘ol turkey grind days….
(h/t to frequent commenter, JuJu)
SnOMyGod! Perhaps you heard we had an epic, one-for-the-recordbooks snowstorm. Of course, I know you are well aware of this because for two days straight, all you listserv folks did was sell and barter snowpants.
Anyway, now that we’re all snowed in and cranky and liquored up, it’s time to start complaining about the speed, process and location of snow removal.
The four stages of snow acceptance, according to the Beverley Hills Listserv:
1. Disbelief and dismay
I have seen several plows but unfortunately none of them have been plowing when I see them, and they are just leaving single-lane roads. I’m surprised more progress has not been made.
When you consider the city taxes we pay – and the increases incurred in years when the housing market was weak — this is really dismal.
2. Conspiracy theories
Listserv regular “Donna” comes out of hibernation:
Hmmm, does someone on the City Council live on Alabama???
Let’s all play Pollyanna’s glad game. I’m thankful that:
1. I have power
2. I have heat
3. I have groceries so I can eat
4. I have internet so I can post this message
The snowstorm this past weekend was of historic nature. It’s not a few inches of snow. It takes time to dig out. Give the city workers a break…they’re now dealing with a water main break on King and Quaker.
We all need to be grateful for what we have, rather than what we don’t have.
4. Nope, screw that gratitude crap
First entry in the glad game:
Well I’m glad they are working so hard, and I am sure they are. And earning a living. I am not. I would like to be able to get out to pay for those wonderful things: heat, internet etc. But I can’t.
For the record, *my* street is plowed. Clearly the City wants to stay on my good side.
In advance of the epic snowstorm, it seems that the entirety of Beverley Hills is planning on paying off their mortgages or financing their snow day boozing by selling off their used snow items for $5 to $25 a pop.
After 75 of these emails by 9:49 am, I hopeful that a black market crops up. By day two of the snow storm, I envision folks running out of food and bartering with snow gear.
Yeah, I’ve got milk. How many snowpants will you trade for it?!