Fireworks about fireworks ūüĒ•

sparklers spelling out the word POOP
Of course I could google “sparkler poop” and find this image!

Guess how many replies it took for the post about “Where can I find sparklers for a¬†party” turned into a raging gun control debate?!

If you guessed three, you’re a big winner!

Now, I thought everyone knew that fireworks of all kinds are illegal in Alexandria, and that you have drive over to the Fairfax side and sneak them in (not that *I* would ever do that!).

But instead of a polite reminder, we got this:

THEY ARE ILLEGAL.
END OF CONVERSATION.
Same as firing a gun is.
Get over it.

My only complaint is that the jokesters beat me to all the good zingers, so enjoy:

And you’re more likely to be (idiotically) reported to the Mayor’s office for cutting your own trees down on your own private property before being fined for shooting a gun, I mean lighting a few sparklers.

 

A more pressing DANGER to our community are the off-leash dogs which are ALSO illegal and carry the steep threat of fines, dog impounding, court summons, etc., yet nothing ever happens to these non-rule-abiding residents….Letter of the law isn’t exactly followed OR enforced around here…

 

[What about] the anti-tree-cutters on S Overlook that call the Mayors office to tattle in futility and then blast personal contact information on every City of Alexandria list serve in an effort to harass and bully?

But honestly the best part of the still-ongoing thread is that my man Raji is back with his hilarity:

I think we can all agree shooting a gun is only acceptable in self defense or in defense of a dog fecal incident, and even then the dog or owner must be shot in the act of the fecal deposit or encouraging it, and only if they are inserting a sparkler in the the poo pile, birthday cake style.
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The listserv is down. I repeat, the listserv is down!

maydayOMG, the BevHills listserv was down all day and now it’s like a firehose of emails complaining, looking for electricians, and selling their crap.

The absolute best was a thread about folks cutting down mature trees.

It involved a lot of public shaming of a realtor involved in a recent house flipping project who had every last bit of greenery ripped out.

Someone posted the realtor’s work information so people could call him and complain, so naturally, that person was accused of doxxing (they helpfully included the Webster’s definition).

Accusations of public shaming began to fly. There were calls to be civil. Somewhere in the distance, a fox howled and dog took a huge crap in someone’s lawn.

Meat Salesman

WE HAVE THE MEAT!
WE HAVE THE MEAT!

Hello friends. It’s been quiet since “Donna” got banned, and everyone returned to their usual requests for plumbers and such. Nary a dog poop post in sight.

I was beginning to think we’d all returned to normal when this gem showed up in my inbox:

Does anyone have any experiences – positive or negative – with the man selling cuts of meat from his van, going door to door?

While he has been nothing but kind, he is pretty aggressive in his sales approach and could not provide me with a business card/credentials or website. I’d be curious to hear from anyone else who has heard from him and/or purchased meat from him?

Of course, we all know the answer is “Anyone who purchased meat out of a van is long since dead.”

May I suggest the driving to the Giant?!

A request for hair

Now that the listserv regular “Donna” seems to have gone AWOL (Finally banned? Left to write full-time for the Zebra?!), a certain other zany regular who resides “on E. Spring” has decided to pick the up the gauntlet.

Don’t all go rushing over to her house at once, ya’ll:
I know this is an odd request, but do you have any hair to spare? It can be from a hairbrush, or recent clippings.
The creatures in my garden are eating all my lovely cucumbers and tomatoes and I was told that human hair keeps them away, so I’d like to tie as much hair near the vegetables as possible.
Thank god there isn’t a neighborhood potluck picnic in the hood because I can tell you whose salad I wouldn’t be eating….

Personal Gardener

Here’s what happens when you don’t pay your gardener...Ladies of Beverley Hills, can we talk about landscaping? We all know how important it is to keep your bushes trimmed and tidy.

After a month of rain, it’s no surprise that the gardeners are getting a bit randy about the bushes. Before we dive into the listserv posts, here’s a wee limerick I created over some drinks with friends last night to set the stage:

There once was a bush from Nantucket

Whose leaves were so long you should cut it

I said with a grin

As I gave it a trim,

“If the owner complains she can shove it”

<rimshot>

Oh, wait…

Anyhoo, we all know menfolk like trimmed bushes. Some like it long, or short, or sculpted. You want the sidewalk to be like a landing strip so you can keep your eyes on the prize.

But you don’t want others¬†to trim it for you. Not all of them are good with the clippers. Too short and it might be¬†prickly. Too long, it gets in the way.

Dear Personal Gardener:

I just came out of my home (yes, I own it) to find that you took it upon yourself to cut (yes, you brought your own pruners) my bushes and then left the cut branches on the sidewalk. I noticed that you also cut my neighbor’s ( two houses down) bushes also and left your cuttings.

First, you are not allowed to step on my property and cut my bushes. You cut over onto my property. This is called vandalism and trespassing.

If you wanted me to trim my bushes, please have the courtesy and balls to knock on my front door and politely ask me. I would have been more then accommodating.

Please feel free to provide me with your address so I can return the favor and come to your house. I can butcher your landscaping and be as rude.

After several neighbors noted that it’s actually the owner’s responsibility to keep their bush trimmed back to the bikini line of the sidewalk, the original poster (let’s just call her “Ms. Hoo Ha”, shall we?!) replied:

No one has the right to vandalize, trespass on, or litter on other people’s property. There is no excuse.

We teach children common courtesy, not to litter and not to touch what does not belong to them. I’d hope in our affluent area, the adults would act just as responsibly. And yes, if something is bothering you regarding your neighbor’s property, politely knock on their door and tell them. Your neighbor can’t fix what they don’t know about.

Who is so self-centered they think they can go along poking their noses in other people’s bushes?!

I hear ya – what’s happening in this neighborhood??? Just last week, we had someone stop by our house and take all our lingerie down from the clothes line – and they call this an “affluent neighborhood?!?”¬†Next thing ya know our pink flamingos will be gone.

Ms. Hoo Ha was so angered that she sputtered:

If any theft or damage is done to my home, I will be sure to direct the police to your home. So nice to know one’s stalker.

Clearly Ms. Hoo Ha was becoming untrimmed unhinged at this point. She is ready to snatch snap!

Seriously? Is this post a joke? someone trimmed your bushes for free and did a public service to the neighborhood by opening up the sidewalks (which by the way are city property) and you are writing a bunch of angry-ass emails to the whole neighborhood, talking about “your property, ” “affluent neighborhoods” and “had the balls” —

Friends of our county, where I come from, if someone trims your bush for free, you say thank you. We are all mature adults and all have come across unkempt bushes in our time. The polite way to handle them is to ignore them and later suggest lawn service. Or offer to provide it ourselves. It’s one thing to let your yard go, but please, trim your bushes.

“Haji”

[Editor’s note: high five to the¬†cunning linguist¬†neighbors who posted these¬†gems!!!]

There’s no shame in having a thick bush. But you gotta think about others.

We get notices all the time Bc of vines #personalgardener please come trim our vines. We’ll hydrate you with Bloody Mary’s, beer etc.

Having clipper toting vigilantes determining for themselves what is and isn‚Äôt interference is ‚Äúshear‚ÄĚ anarchy ūüėČ

Really, you just never know when somebody is coming along to snatch your bush.

Sorry Edward Scissorhands, not sure “where (you) come from” is, but here, it’s not a great idea to take it upon yourself to become a self appointed “gardener of the people”. Like Roy Munson said to Ismail Boorg (before punching him) “You don’t now another guys lawn”.

Let’s make landscaping great again!

And in case you were wondering, the traditional way to trim your bush in an “affluent neighborhood” is in a V shape.

Moral of the story: Don’t be a pussy. Trim your bush’s naughty bits.

 

PS. If you have made it this far and you still need more laughs, you owe yourself a read of this Reddit thread about this’s post image of the¬†penis-shaped bush created by an unpaid landscaper in the UK…

 

 

 

 

 

A gentle warning: Watch out for unpicked up dog poop

<popcorn!>

I will start by noting that¬†my Google search history is forever ruined by the phrase “image of person throwing dog poop.”

So…it seems the¬†ridiculously rainy spring has finally drove the residents to the brink.

Yes, that’s right, dog poop posts are back.

And this time, the poop is *airborne*.

Watch out for unpicked up dog poop. I was parking my car in front of my home a few minutes ago when I saw a couple with a small dog pooping in front of my house. They rushed off when they saw me. When I got out of the car, I saw a big blob of dog poop on the sidewalk.

[Editor’s Note:¬†I love how the poor grammar makes it seem as though¬†the *couple* was pooping in her yard with their dog as witness and ran off when spotted.]

I figured they hadn’t gone far so I drove down the block to track them and get them to come and pick up the poop. The man was very unpleasant. At first he denied it and threatened to throw dog poop on my car window. But, I wasn’t going to get frightened, and I said I was going to drive behind them slowly and make sure they picked it up. <emphasis added, because good LORD!>

So watch out for them. He is about 6’3”, with light brown/blonde hair, and a blue T-shirt. The girl with him is about 4’5″, looks about 12 or 13 years old, and wearing white flowered tights. Their dog is a small black dog, probably part Shi tzu or some kind of a toy breed. He had a very menacing tone. Please look out for them in case they’re headed your way.

For those in the know, this post was initiated by a listserv regular who lists her location as “on Spring Street,” and has been known to post about her cat’s irritable bowel syndrome.

Can you seriously imagine someone slowly stalking you with their car, yelling about dog poop?!

Thank goodness the BevHills comedian vigilantes were eager to take up the case. God bless the man who posted this zinger:

I’ve come back from a 30 minute patrol looking for these two menaces. I saw a couple that matches your description but all I attempted to question threatened to throw feces at me and other citizens upon continued inquiry. Potential suspects I confronted said that sometimes shit happens and if people feel unsafe we have the option to contact public safety officials. Their hands looked clean but I will remain vigilant.

 

Strange incident while running this AM

Man in trenchcoat flashing passerbyAka, the time the listserv discussed masturbation…

Just wanted to give you a heads up on a strange thing that happened during my run this morning. I was heading over to meet a friend at 6:35am (it was light out) and I turned on Monticello Blvd from Russell Road and I was running on the left side of the road and a car stopped in the right lane. I looked over, he was making ‘jerking off’ motions at me and he was wearing a mask. He was driving a black Nissan Maxima. I just looked away, kept running and turned on the next street. He sped off when another car came down the hill. I called the police non-emergency number when I got home and I am waiting for a police officer to come over to take a statement. Stay safe out there.

Ew. Ok, that’s nasty and I’m sure we all want to be on guard and offer our support after something so disturbing. Or, make a joke…preferably a political one. The listserv *looooooves* that.

I know this is horrible but I have to make a little joke for everyone’s Friday humor:

Well we know it wasn’t Ted Cruz!

And just like that, #masturbation is a trending topic in BevHills! Cue the horrified and sputtering rants, including:

In all candor, it did offend me in behalf of folks who may have different views from yours and from mine. I am not a Cruz supporter, but folks on the listserve might be wise not to assume that everyone is a Hillary Clinton or Bernie Sanders supporter because they live in Alexandria and thus that such humor is “universal.” …ergo, perhaps better left unsaid!

All I can say is I can’t get this song out of my head today.

TGIF!

 

 

 

 

 

 

#TBT 2014: Squirrel Population

Squirrel with peanutsI can’t be the only one who remembers this gem from two years ago today?!

The resident troll, “Haji”, baited on the listserv with a topic near and dear…critters!

 

 

I am hoping to get ahead of the usual squirrel population boom this spring. Unfortunately two of the local hardware stores are not yet selling poison peanuts. Does anyone know if one of the larger chains carry them? I am hoping to avoid shipping costs.

Here are my favorite responses:

I typically find that bike lanes are the best squirrel deterrents.   Unless the bike lanes are really steep and the squirrels know that they can get rid of uphill bikers because they are going too slow.

Alexandria Brunswick Stew

2 fattened squirrels *
4 cups of corn kernels
4 cups diced tomatoes
4 cups sliced okra
2 cups fresh butter beans
2 sweet onions, chopped

Preparation:
Remove road debris or birdshot from squirrel. Boil squirrel until meat
falls from bones (season with salt, pepper, thyme, bay leaf, a little wine
or part broth, if desired, or use your favorite seasonings). Remove meat
from bones. Return meat to the water it was boiled in. Add vegetables,
salt, and pepper to taste. Simmer until the mixture thickens, about 1 hour.

* for the brave at heart or those wanting a more gamey flavour, add 1
grackle

Spring has sprung!

Does anybody have a meat grinder I can borrow for a day?

 

Hi Folks, Do you have a meat grinder I may borrow for a day so I can grind turkey bones and meat for my cat who has inflammatory bowel disease. Or, if you prefer, I’d be happy to come over and grind the meat and bones in your home. Thank you so much.

I was just thinking this morning, boy, it’d sure be nice to have someone stop by and grind some turkey bones in my home. ¬†Haven’t done that in ages – miss those good ‘ol turkey grind days….

Sad cat with irritable bowel syndrome, wishing for ground up turkey meat and bones

(h/t to frequent commenter, JuJu)