🚨Look out for the BevHills self-centeredness police!🚨

Image result for grandpa simpson old man yells at cloudWith the Seminary Road Diet Conspiracy of 2019 in the rearview mirror (groan), it was clearly essential to keep road safety on the radar (lol).

Taking a break from vocally complaining about scooters with Grandpa Simpson rants about “where are the parents?!”, listserv regular “Donna” is at it again.  In a thread about the dangers of parents double parking outside schools for pickups/dropoffs, she chimed in with this gem:

The self-centeredness of people around here is incredible. I sat in my car waiting behind 2 other cars and 3 behind me while a driver backed into a space. Took 2 backups to get in – held up 6 drivers at a medical building…  how selfish for their own convenience.

Sorry, come again? Donna, are you actually complaining that you had to wait for someone to park at a doctor’s office? And that the act of backing into a space is self-centered?

Isn’t there a restaurant that you should be visiting so you can write a pandering Zebra review in exchange for a free meal?!

[Side note, thanks to the fearless BevHills listserv moderator, Mr. W.H., for sharing yesterday’s blog post with the entire group — welcome new subscribers!]

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Put your fat @$$ on a road diet

Is there a listserv dedicated to inflating minor civic concerns into intractable quarrels? Asking for a friend. — BevHills listserv member

Image result for diet belt squeezeCan someone please inform this nice man about my lil’ ol blog?!

Just as the great halal butchery slaughterhouse debate died down this summer, the listserv turned their rage to a proposed “road diet” for a stretch of Seminary Road less than a mile long.

Last I checked, our bucolic hood is several miles from this road, but one would be led to believe they were putting a six-lane toll road down Old Dominion Boulevard by the uproar on the listserv.

Now, everyone is a traffic engineer and we are told to fear the evil bicycle lobby — as one member states, we’re “handing over most of our streets to bicycles.” <insert eyeroll emoji here>

Everyone’s talking about what THEY’D do if they were on the City Council, so I look forward to all the whiners’ campaigns next election. <insert second eyeroll emoji>

My personal favorite hysterical quote is about City of Alexandria’s Mayor, Justin Wilson:

We must remember all that this uncaring and irresponsive Wilson administration–to put it mildly–has done against the opinions and beliefs of the voting residents of this City.

Whether you love him or hate him, Major Wilson is not only legendary for his wonky deep-dive newsletters each month, but also his speed at responding to every text message/Facebook message/email/tweet/carrier pigeon note/scooter delivery (I kid!). Seriously, I think that guy must send some of his missives from the toilet.

Speaking of which, looks like Seminary Road is going on a diet, so it would be a great time to get back to poop complaints and maybe squirrel poisoning debates.

Who’s ready for a scooter rage rant?!

Image result for lime scooters accident  memeI stayed out of the halal butcher hysteria just to keep you all wanting more, but whoooo doggie, the proliferation of scooters has got folks *worked up*.

And by folks, I mean BevHills busybody “Donna”, who uses her spare time when not writing a complaint column in the local newspaper that is literally called “What Bugs Me” to utterly trash her neighbors on an almost daily basis on the listserv.

The subject of her recent ire is the City’s pilot program on electric scooters. To say folks are passionate on either side is an understatement. I’ve ridden them. I’ve also picked up fallen ones and moved them off the sidewalk.

But you know what I haven’t done? Interrogate a kid riding on the sidewalk and write an open letter to his parents to shame them.

Here’s the full rant from Donna:

To the parents of H____ M___ (Bev note: I’m not naming him because, RUDE!):

Did you know he is illegally riding a lime scooter? At the busy intersection of Monticello and Russell Rd.

Obviously under 16 and riding on the sidewalk. NO HELMET too.

Someone used their drivers license and credit card to use the scooter. Do you have a death wish for your son?

There are at least 13 attributable deaths with scooters. At least, those are the ones that have counted. And they were adults with allegedly more sense than a child!

Not a good look accusing parents of having a death wish for their child.

Mad props to the listserv member rewrote Donna’s notable “be kind to animals” email signature:

If you have room in your heart, please don’t publicly shame little kids.  They are children who ask nothing of you and give back so much.  As Ben Franklin said, “mind your own d@mn business.”

By the way, if you haven’t seen the South Park spoof, this is as close as I think you can get to Donna’s blind hatred of scooters 😉

 

When is trick or treating happening this year? 

Kid crying because some moron doesn't know that you give out candy on HalloweenIs this some kind of trick question?!

Or is someone trying to fire up the listserv today?

You see this kiddo here?

He’s crying because some moron doesn’t know that you give out candy on *October 31st*.

 

With Halloween happening on Wednesday the 31st this year, does anyone know when  trick or treating will happen?  On the day?  On October 27? On November 3?

You can debate whether dog poop is allowed in the big green City trashcans, but you CANNOT TAKE AWAY TRICK OR TREATING ON HALLOWEEN, you commie!

Now excuse me while I go back to stuffing my face with candy corn…

GET OFF MY LAWN! (Labor Day edition)

Get off my lawnRemember your first summer job as a kid?

Your pal Bev collected pool passes at her local community swimming hole, and used the meager earnings to buy candy cigarettes from the ice cream man in a pathetic attempt to look like a deviant.

Perhaps so many kids these days are forgoing typical summer jobs and instead becoming Instagram influences, Fortnight players, and bitcoin miners, that we’ve forgotten what a classic summer job for kids is really all about.

Because the appearance of some local kids trying to make money mowing lawns has got the listserv all triggered:

2 boys – are knocking on doors with a gas mower , a can full of gas, and a gas edger … i asked how old they are, took a picture… and the response was 12 and 13. Oh and the younger one kept dropping the gas can…This concerns me.. if you are their parents – how did this happen… the older buck said he is just trying to raise money — and was really rude….— question… how would you handle this?

Not surprisingly, the BevHills legal scholars quickly sprung into action.

The email thread was quickly dominated by detailed use case scenarios on child labor laws and documentation on the legal age to use power equipment from the Department of Labor. This included debate on the nuances of gas versus electric edgers.  I. KID. YOU. NOT.

(Aside: I am now really nervous about those cute little book lending library boxes not being up HUD building code. And don’t get me started on the OSHA standards of all the kiddos’ lemonade stands.)

After the legal furor died down, it then became time to pull the race card and play the “Guess the ethnicity of the mowers” game.

I’d be remiss if I didn’t give mad props to the neighbor who tied this thread together with my last one about the great fireworks debate:

Now that we cleared that up, I’m assuming all the anti-sparkers-for-supervised-birthday-parties people are now the pro-unattended-minors-with-open-containers-of-gasoline-and-potentially-hazardous-machinery people.

Of course, I’m so thankful my ol’ pal Raji resurfaced to put it all in perspective:

Friends, I see from recent postings that it is the season for us to share our hopes for our community:

— Loud morning walking is NOT acceptable
— Our “pit” is not a gathering place for drunken fathers or broken toys
— There are far too many squirrels and population reduction is encouraged
— If your trash can is on the street, it is a poop target, and you get extra points if the deposit is made post refuse collection
— Disputes of lawn maintenance can only be settled with physical violence
— Nude dancing in your back yard is not ok if I can see it
— The curb is for good free stuff, not your old exercise bike, quitter
— The Tour de France is in France, not down my street every weekend morning
— Aim your sprinkler properly …the sidewalk will not grow no matter how much you water it
— My lawn is not for your kids’ toys. My trash can is.
Speaking of trash cans, if these boys want to smooth things over and make more money in BevHills, I suggest dog walking.
I highly encourage them to throw out the poop in everyone’s green City trash can 😉.

 

Fireworks about fireworks 🔥

sparklers spelling out the word POOP
Of course I could google “sparkler poop” and find this image!

Guess how many replies it took for the post about “Where can I find sparklers for a party” turned into a raging gun control debate?!

If you guessed three, you’re a big winner!

Now, I thought everyone knew that fireworks of all kinds are illegal in Alexandria, and that you have drive over to the Fairfax side and sneak them in (not that *I* would ever do that!).

But instead of a polite reminder, we got this:

THEY ARE ILLEGAL.
END OF CONVERSATION.
Same as firing a gun is.
Get over it.

My only complaint is that the jokesters beat me to all the good zingers, so enjoy:

And you’re more likely to be (idiotically) reported to the Mayor’s office for cutting your own trees down on your own private property before being fined for shooting a gun, I mean lighting a few sparklers.

 

A more pressing DANGER to our community are the off-leash dogs which are ALSO illegal and carry the steep threat of fines, dog impounding, court summons, etc., yet nothing ever happens to these non-rule-abiding residents….Letter of the law isn’t exactly followed OR enforced around here…

 

[What about] the anti-tree-cutters on S Overlook that call the Mayors office to tattle in futility and then blast personal contact information on every City of Alexandria list serve in an effort to harass and bully?

But honestly the best part of the still-ongoing thread is that my man Raji is back with his hilarity:

I think we can all agree shooting a gun is only acceptable in self defense or in defense of a dog fecal incident, and even then the dog or owner must be shot in the act of the fecal deposit or encouraging it, and only if they are inserting a sparkler in the the poo pile, birthday cake style.

The listserv is down. I repeat, the listserv is down!

maydayOMG, the BevHills listserv was down all day and now it’s like a firehose of emails complaining, looking for electricians, and selling their crap.

The absolute best was a thread about folks cutting down mature trees.

It involved a lot of public shaming of a realtor involved in a recent house flipping project who had every last bit of greenery ripped out.

Someone posted the realtor’s work information so people could call him and complain, so naturally, that person was accused of doxxing (they helpfully included the Webster’s definition).

Accusations of public shaming began to fly. There were calls to be civil. Somewhere in the distance, a fox howled and dog took a huge crap in someone’s lawn.

Meat Salesman

WE HAVE THE MEAT!
WE HAVE THE MEAT!

Hello friends. It’s been quiet since “Donna” got banned, and everyone returned to their usual requests for plumbers and such. Nary a dog poop post in sight.

I was beginning to think we’d all returned to normal when this gem showed up in my inbox:

Does anyone have any experiences – positive or negative – with the man selling cuts of meat from his van, going door to door?

While he has been nothing but kind, he is pretty aggressive in his sales approach and could not provide me with a business card/credentials or website. I’d be curious to hear from anyone else who has heard from him and/or purchased meat from him?

Of course, we all know the answer is “Anyone who purchased meat out of a van is long since dead.”

May I suggest the driving to the Giant?!

A request for hair

Now that the listserv regular “Donna” seems to have gone AWOL (Finally banned? Left to write full-time for the Zebra?!), a certain other zany regular who resides “on E. Spring” has decided to pick the up the gauntlet.

Don’t all go rushing over to her house at once, ya’ll:
I know this is an odd request, but do you have any hair to spare? It can be from a hairbrush, or recent clippings.
The creatures in my garden are eating all my lovely cucumbers and tomatoes and I was told that human hair keeps them away, so I’d like to tie as much hair near the vegetables as possible.
Thank god there isn’t a neighborhood potluck picnic in the hood because I can tell you whose salad I wouldn’t be eating….